restless (& thoughts on new orleans)

taking the last post further, I'm sensing a vague theme of restlessness in me lately.

I used to frequently have a fantasy when driving my car of getting onto the highway and just driving, driving, in the most common fantasy ending up in texas. I have this whole thing about moving to texas. I can't get into it all right now.

It's not a serious fantasy, just sometimes I'd be getting on the bridge to drive to hadley, and while waiting at the light, I'd imagine getting on 91 south, taking it down to 95, driving down to tennessee, and cutting over to louisiana and texas. I've sometimes thought conceptually about mixtapes I would make to bring on this drive.

today in the car I had this desire really strong. just turn the car and go. today to new orleans.

I'm feeling very new orleans nostalgic today, it being mardi gras after all of course, but when I lived in new orleans I wasn't even that into mardi gras, so that's not entirely it. but seeming it on the news brings up memories. and last night anthony bourdain went to post-katrina new orleans on his show, and even though the show was kind of crappy, for some reason it was intensely emotional also. I always, always thought, when I moved back here (way pre-hurricane), that I would eventually go back. and now I don't think I ever would. because I do think it will happen again. and things will never be the same. and I totally think the people who stayed rock, but I also feel that they are going to lose everything again, so maybe they should try to rock somewhere else. I don't know.

but I also really badly want to go back, and walk on those streets, and see my old house, and just see how things really are.

isn't that what we all really want. to see how things really are.

but I was driving today, and just thinking, goddamn, how much do I want to just drive straight to the bywater, and see if the bywater bbq is somehow still operational and go and sit at the bar and have the chicken and bacon club sandwich and a gin and tonic and find out where people are. and all the neighborhood gossip.

stupid that television shows about this still make me cry. no matter how inane.

I made red beans and rice for dinner in honor of mardi gras, which is silly because I never ate that way when I lived there. but what to do? I'd throw some beads around, but I got rid of all my parade junk when I moved here because I was sick of it. I'd like to go out dancing tonight at least, but no one seems into it, and I'm not in the mood to create a holiday all on my own right now.

Maybe if I still had some beads.