I'm giving myself until spring to get over this, then I need to move on. And by "spring" I mean the official spring solstice, in many ways the holiest day of the year, and by "this" I mean I need to let go of a whole lot of anger and resentment and regret and everything to do with the whole foods saga.
I was suspended just days after the winter solstice, and fired the day before new years eve, so if this ends on the first day of spring, this will have been one complete season of my life.
And winter is traditionally the season of death and rebirth...which is what this winter has been for me, absolutely.
So it will be quite fitting if this period in my life takes exactly one season.
And my relationship with emerson fitted neatly into one season, fall, so that works too.
Fall has always been my favorite season, and so many parts of that relationship were pure pleasure, even though it ended badly. And I started dating him just days before my 30th birthday, and my birthday is always an important day for me.
And 30 should have ended my saturn return, I believe.
But spring. Spring will be something new.
I've really been working on myself this winter, seeing myself through something very dark born out of my own heart.
Come spring, I'm going to be ready for gardens, for sunshine, for dancing, for art, and for trust again, maybe.
Winter 2008-2009 I think I will always remember as the time I really got to know myself. Was always alone with myself. And it was scary and I cried a lot and always woke up in a panic, but look, now I sleep through the night again. I've accepted a lot of things. I've learned how to be grateful, that none of this is by any means the end of the world. That I am so so so thankful that this is the worst I've had to deal with, really I'm very lucky.
I've lost a lot of friends, but the ones I still have, are amazing. awe-inspiring. my family is amazing and awe-inspiring.
Spring is going to bring a lot more art work.
I still wake up thinking about him every single fucking day. Three more weeks, then that has to stop.
I think on the first day of spring I need to perform some sort of ritual. I don't know what yet, but I either need to set a bunch of things on fire or throw things off a cliff into the ocean.
When I got divorced almost three years ago a lot of people told me I needed to take the time to deal with it, even if it was hard, and I didn't.
I'm doing it now.
And I'm going to be at least a reasonably functional version of liz again, soon.
Showing posts with label whole foods. Show all posts
Showing posts with label whole foods. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
more thoughts on trainwrecks...
Britney...she's like an old school glamorous celebrity, not in talent, but in capacity for trainwreck...tragedy...disaster...like judy garland or elizabeth taylor...the glamour in tragedy.
That's key as to why we keep looking at britney. It's almost impossible for human beings to look away from tragedy, especially a poetic tragedy all done up in glitter.
Girls crying with their eyemakeup running, stockings torn...it's classic.
If only a national tabloid had been there that night of the whole foods store party to find me crying on the stairs.
That's key as to why we keep looking at britney. It's almost impossible for human beings to look away from tragedy, especially a poetic tragedy all done up in glitter.
Girls crying with their eyemakeup running, stockings torn...it's classic.
If only a national tabloid had been there that night of the whole foods store party to find me crying on the stairs.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
heart broken, shattered, still cooking
All week I've been seriously freaking out about work and money and life and what on earth am I going to do. Right now things are getting really scary.
Emotionally as well as financially.
I can't sleep. I keep doing all these crazy things and taking these stupid risks just for the chance at sleep. Any distraction, any person, any body, just for some sleep.
This morning, I woke up with someone in my bed who I really wasn't sure if I wanted to be there, and got up by myself to clean up the aftermath of the night before and drink tea alone and sit at my computer at the kitchen table, where I ended up just torturing myself on the internet about that boy who recently broke my heart and got me fired, you know that one.
That made me really sad, and made me realize that I miss him really badly, so I was dealing with that, but...
Then eventually the guy from my bed (and I like this guy sincerely, I really do, but I don't know what is going on and I think I let him push me around too much because I'm so disconnected and frozen and shattered right now...that's a whole other post though) left my bed and my apartment, and right on cue a registered letter arrived from whole foods denying my appeal of my termination, which states as part of their evidence for why they should have fired me the fact that the boy gave them all of our emails back and forth for our whole relationships. And it does state officially that his roommate and my former friend made the complaint about me, and that is really the reason why now I'm totally broke and scared and freaking out. I kept trying to blame myself and give them the benefit of the doubt, but I guess I was wrong.
oh god he gave them our letters.
This official letter from whole foods actually states something about how on september 18, 2008, we know you were in "insert his name here"'s bedroom because of a facebook message to that effect.
That's the correct date too, of the first time we slept together, which makes me so so so so mad...no way whole foods should know that.
That came from a message he wrote, that first morning, that was so beautiful, and even post breakup, was something I treasured. Breakups are one thing, but now he's taken our love letters away from me.
I remember, it ended with, "you are beautiful like nothing else" and it gave me chills at the time. He said his bed smelled like me, and he was invigorated by that.
I wouldn't write about this here, ever, except he's ruined it all anyway.
I can just see those whole foods executive people reading those messages and it makes me want to crawl out of my skin.
I can't even speak.
One of the ways they say I lied was that they asked me in the investigation how I felt about the breakup and I said well you know, I'm getting over it, like you would say to anyone you didn't want to cry to, and they pointed out a facebook message I wrote him right after we broke up in which I said I was upset as PROOF that I lied.
How was I supposed to answer that question officially? How do I feel about the breakup? I don't know. I think what I actually said was that it wasn't the worst breakup I'd ever had, so I would live.
That is very very very true. Maybe they don't know how bad things can get. Probably they don't, because they don't even seem to be human. But once you've seen someone you love's blood all over the walls...well....even though I ended up getting fired, this still wasn't the worst breakup I've ever had.
Fuck fuck fuck you whole foods, for firing people for being humans and having feelings.
The letter from whole foods goes on for six pages of this stuff.
I can't even understand how it's possible to live with so much anger.,
And then I talked to my dad and he said my mom is mad at me because she still blames me for the whole thing simply for trusting that boy at all, my bad judgment=my fault, as if women don't date men who beat them and hurt them all the time, and I guess she read on facebook or this blog or somewhere that I went to vermont and that hot tub and thinks I'm spending money like crazy. Although vermont cost me nothing and I even got two free meals out of it. I am allowed to have friends, just because I'm unemployed am I supposed to turn down invitations that are fun if they cost no money?
All this makes me want to sit on the floor under a blanket forever.
oh god god I need a job right now. right this minute.
What kills me so much about this situation was right before that asshole had to sell me out, I was the most totally self sufficient I've ever been in the 30 years of my life...totally single, making a good salary, paying for everything myself. And he took that for no reason.
In order to cope I had to make myself a really nice dinner of scallops and cream and noodles (frozen scallops from trader joes I already had since I am still really freaked out about money) and exactly $4 of very well chosen vegetables from the co-op. Shallots, crimini mushrooms, baby bok choi, fingerling potatoes I already had, garlic, butter, white wine.
Every time that guy spends the night I feel like I have to reclaim the apartment, it smells like him, and objects are displaced and everything is chaos.
So I've been fixing it all night. And cooking helps. The smelling wrong thing bothers me the most.
The positive things about today (because I swear that I am going to remember the positive): my sweet kitten, who every time he sleeps in my bed also sleeps very close to me to look out for me (she usually sleeps in my bed, but when he's there she really makes sure she's close), that fact that when I finally escaped that house to take a walk, the sun came out it it was relatively warm (36! felt warm! that's how you know it's january in massachusetts), diane and david being there for me this afternoon, making a really satisfying mix tape, talking to my dad and having him be there for me and not judge, looking forward to learning to embroider with beth and sarah tomorrow, my lovely apartment that I am trying to hold on to despite being broke, wendy mailing me a king cake from new orleans, loving myself and my cat and my home and trying to fight to survive.
Emotionally as well as financially.
I can't sleep. I keep doing all these crazy things and taking these stupid risks just for the chance at sleep. Any distraction, any person, any body, just for some sleep.
This morning, I woke up with someone in my bed who I really wasn't sure if I wanted to be there, and got up by myself to clean up the aftermath of the night before and drink tea alone and sit at my computer at the kitchen table, where I ended up just torturing myself on the internet about that boy who recently broke my heart and got me fired, you know that one.
That made me really sad, and made me realize that I miss him really badly, so I was dealing with that, but...
Then eventually the guy from my bed (and I like this guy sincerely, I really do, but I don't know what is going on and I think I let him push me around too much because I'm so disconnected and frozen and shattered right now...that's a whole other post though) left my bed and my apartment, and right on cue a registered letter arrived from whole foods denying my appeal of my termination, which states as part of their evidence for why they should have fired me the fact that the boy gave them all of our emails back and forth for our whole relationships. And it does state officially that his roommate and my former friend made the complaint about me, and that is really the reason why now I'm totally broke and scared and freaking out. I kept trying to blame myself and give them the benefit of the doubt, but I guess I was wrong.
oh god he gave them our letters.
This official letter from whole foods actually states something about how on september 18, 2008, we know you were in "insert his name here"'s bedroom because of a facebook message to that effect.
That's the correct date too, of the first time we slept together, which makes me so so so so mad...no way whole foods should know that.
That came from a message he wrote, that first morning, that was so beautiful, and even post breakup, was something I treasured. Breakups are one thing, but now he's taken our love letters away from me.
I remember, it ended with, "you are beautiful like nothing else" and it gave me chills at the time. He said his bed smelled like me, and he was invigorated by that.
I wouldn't write about this here, ever, except he's ruined it all anyway.
I can just see those whole foods executive people reading those messages and it makes me want to crawl out of my skin.
I can't even speak.
One of the ways they say I lied was that they asked me in the investigation how I felt about the breakup and I said well you know, I'm getting over it, like you would say to anyone you didn't want to cry to, and they pointed out a facebook message I wrote him right after we broke up in which I said I was upset as PROOF that I lied.
How was I supposed to answer that question officially? How do I feel about the breakup? I don't know. I think what I actually said was that it wasn't the worst breakup I'd ever had, so I would live.
That is very very very true. Maybe they don't know how bad things can get. Probably they don't, because they don't even seem to be human. But once you've seen someone you love's blood all over the walls...well....even though I ended up getting fired, this still wasn't the worst breakup I've ever had.
Fuck fuck fuck you whole foods, for firing people for being humans and having feelings.
The letter from whole foods goes on for six pages of this stuff.
I can't even understand how it's possible to live with so much anger.,
And then I talked to my dad and he said my mom is mad at me because she still blames me for the whole thing simply for trusting that boy at all, my bad judgment=my fault, as if women don't date men who beat them and hurt them all the time, and I guess she read on facebook or this blog or somewhere that I went to vermont and that hot tub and thinks I'm spending money like crazy. Although vermont cost me nothing and I even got two free meals out of it. I am allowed to have friends, just because I'm unemployed am I supposed to turn down invitations that are fun if they cost no money?
All this makes me want to sit on the floor under a blanket forever.
oh god god I need a job right now. right this minute.
What kills me so much about this situation was right before that asshole had to sell me out, I was the most totally self sufficient I've ever been in the 30 years of my life...totally single, making a good salary, paying for everything myself. And he took that for no reason.
In order to cope I had to make myself a really nice dinner of scallops and cream and noodles (frozen scallops from trader joes I already had since I am still really freaked out about money) and exactly $4 of very well chosen vegetables from the co-op. Shallots, crimini mushrooms, baby bok choi, fingerling potatoes I already had, garlic, butter, white wine.
Every time that guy spends the night I feel like I have to reclaim the apartment, it smells like him, and objects are displaced and everything is chaos.
So I've been fixing it all night. And cooking helps. The smelling wrong thing bothers me the most.
The positive things about today (because I swear that I am going to remember the positive): my sweet kitten, who every time he sleeps in my bed also sleeps very close to me to look out for me (she usually sleeps in my bed, but when he's there she really makes sure she's close), that fact that when I finally escaped that house to take a walk, the sun came out it it was relatively warm (36! felt warm! that's how you know it's january in massachusetts), diane and david being there for me this afternoon, making a really satisfying mix tape, talking to my dad and having him be there for me and not judge, looking forward to learning to embroider with beth and sarah tomorrow, my lovely apartment that I am trying to hold on to despite being broke, wendy mailing me a king cake from new orleans, loving myself and my cat and my home and trying to fight to survive.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Is this possible?
Have I mentioned? That whole foods broke my heart way worse than a person ever could? wtf?
When I was Fired From Whole Foods For Totally Sketchy Reasons
Oh, whole foods.
In 3 1/2 years I've never had a single warning. I was a customer service assistant team leader, had just had an excellent job dialogue with no complaints, then two days before christmas I was pulled off the floor, interviewed by the store team leader and a regional person for almost two hours exclusively about my personal life, then suspended for seven days without pay, then fired. This is what is says on my separation agreement:"Liz was not truthful and forthcoming during the course of an investigation which is in violation of our team member investigation policy." That's all it says. I'm ineligible for rehire ever, due to "major policy infraction."
However, it is "against whole foods policy" to tell me what I was being investigated for, or to tell me what they think I lied about. And my team leader was never informed, questioned, and she still doesn't know why they fired me.
The way I was fired was completely psychologically messed up and hurtful...
Seriously what the fuck is up with firing people over christmas and new years, it's like they want to kill santa claus...
...you don't really understand corporate america until you've been personally "investigated" by whole foods. that's some fucked up shit.
"oh you were in a car accident, was it on purpose for attention? oh, when he broke up with you, that must have made you upset. surely if you were experiencing physical violence in your personal life, that must have affected your job performances. "
I am not kidding.
The back story. I was an assistant team leader in customer service. Back in october I was dating one of my cashiers.
So with this person, there had been months of us denying that we liked each other. to ourselves, even.
We met when I came back to work after my long workers comp injury period november 07- february 08 (yes I also have a permanent physical injury from the company that fired me, and I signed a paper saying I'd never sue over the injury in order to keep my job).
I had a boyfriend of two years at the time who I lived with. And I was his boss. We both denied this like crazy, it was all flirty facebook comments like crazy and staring at each other at work. We both apparently constantly denied to our friends that we liked the other person. I did, and I've heard he did the same, "of course I don't like liz, you're crazy...she's my boss and has a boyfriend but isn't she great?"
Then we started hanging out outside of work as friends. JUST FRIENDS, that whole denial thing, but we believed it at the time.
While I was still luiving with my boyfriend.
Then we started talking how we maybe had feelings for each other.
But neither of us wanted to do the work secretive thing.
Then there was some ambiguous shit, like sleeping in the same bed but not having sex and creating all these stupid piontless boundaries...we can make out, but not do this, etc.
then he looked for and found, a job in a different department, which is all whole foods requires in these situations.
then we broke up. unfortunately he also had this totally weird intense relationship with his best friend and roommate which complicated everything.
She and I were really good friends, and I really trusted her. She worked just under me in my department and became a supervisor with my help while he and I were dating. and when we broke up she turned on me, and told him I was going to get her fired because he and I had broken up, which is entirely untrue because I really really valued her friendship, and in a lot of ways the way she was acting hurt me more than the way he was, because when you get romantic with someone, you are signing yourself up for some degree of eventual heartache, but you want your friends to just support you, no matter what.
(and in retrospect, when he and we dating we were always all astonished by how similar we were, but she and were equally alike, and I don't know, it was fucked up situation).
No one's fault, necessarily, but it was really like I was dating them both.
One of them complained about me, I don't know which one, and as I've said whole foods refused to tell me, but my interview during the investigation included a lot of personal stuff that only he could have told them, and a lot of questions about my relationship with her.
And I was questioned a lot about a particular incident with her where she accused me of trying to get her fired at work, and which another employee witnessed, and they refused to interview that employee, even though my team leader told them they really needed to.
At the end of this I know nothing.
Other than after three an a half years I lost my job that I had really worked for and put my whole soul into totally out of the blue.
But my heart is broken, by everyone.
Hopefully having written this out helps me in some way.
I don't know, I was suspended on december 23rd and fired on december 3oth, and I still can't stop crying.
In 3 1/2 years I've never had a single warning. I was a customer service assistant team leader, had just had an excellent job dialogue with no complaints, then two days before christmas I was pulled off the floor, interviewed by the store team leader and a regional person for almost two hours exclusively about my personal life, then suspended for seven days without pay, then fired. This is what is says on my separation agreement:"Liz was not truthful and forthcoming during the course of an investigation which is in violation of our team member investigation policy." That's all it says. I'm ineligible for rehire ever, due to "major policy infraction."
However, it is "against whole foods policy" to tell me what I was being investigated for, or to tell me what they think I lied about. And my team leader was never informed, questioned, and she still doesn't know why they fired me.
The way I was fired was completely psychologically messed up and hurtful...
Seriously what the fuck is up with firing people over christmas and new years, it's like they want to kill santa claus...
...you don't really understand corporate america until you've been personally "investigated" by whole foods. that's some fucked up shit.
"oh you were in a car accident, was it on purpose for attention? oh, when he broke up with you, that must have made you upset. surely if you were experiencing physical violence in your personal life, that must have affected your job performances. "
I am not kidding.
The back story. I was an assistant team leader in customer service. Back in october I was dating one of my cashiers.
So with this person, there had been months of us denying that we liked each other. to ourselves, even.
We met when I came back to work after my long workers comp injury period november 07- february 08 (yes I also have a permanent physical injury from the company that fired me, and I signed a paper saying I'd never sue over the injury in order to keep my job).
I had a boyfriend of two years at the time who I lived with. And I was his boss. We both denied this like crazy, it was all flirty facebook comments like crazy and staring at each other at work. We both apparently constantly denied to our friends that we liked the other person. I did, and I've heard he did the same, "of course I don't like liz, you're crazy...she's my boss and has a boyfriend but isn't she great?"
Then we started hanging out outside of work as friends. JUST FRIENDS, that whole denial thing, but we believed it at the time.
While I was still luiving with my boyfriend.
Then we started talking how we maybe had feelings for each other.
But neither of us wanted to do the work secretive thing.
Then there was some ambiguous shit, like sleeping in the same bed but not having sex and creating all these stupid piontless boundaries...we can make out, but not do this, etc.
then he looked for and found, a job in a different department, which is all whole foods requires in these situations.
then we broke up. unfortunately he also had this totally weird intense relationship with his best friend and roommate which complicated everything.
She and I were really good friends, and I really trusted her. She worked just under me in my department and became a supervisor with my help while he and I were dating. and when we broke up she turned on me, and told him I was going to get her fired because he and I had broken up, which is entirely untrue because I really really valued her friendship, and in a lot of ways the way she was acting hurt me more than the way he was, because when you get romantic with someone, you are signing yourself up for some degree of eventual heartache, but you want your friends to just support you, no matter what.
(and in retrospect, when he and we dating we were always all astonished by how similar we were, but she and were equally alike, and I don't know, it was fucked up situation).
No one's fault, necessarily, but it was really like I was dating them both.
One of them complained about me, I don't know which one, and as I've said whole foods refused to tell me, but my interview during the investigation included a lot of personal stuff that only he could have told them, and a lot of questions about my relationship with her.
And I was questioned a lot about a particular incident with her where she accused me of trying to get her fired at work, and which another employee witnessed, and they refused to interview that employee, even though my team leader told them they really needed to.
At the end of this I know nothing.
Other than after three an a half years I lost my job that I had really worked for and put my whole soul into totally out of the blue.
But my heart is broken, by everyone.
Hopefully having written this out helps me in some way.
I don't know, I was suspended on december 23rd and fired on december 3oth, and I still can't stop crying.
pop culture reference sunday!
I was recently fired from my job of three and a half years under totally ridiculous circumstances, and I haven't written about it much because I'm still in total shock and distress,
(whole foods related post traumatic stress disorder) but I did realize something totally hilarious today.
I was fired under very confusing circumstances, but it seems like two people I know, one my exboyfriend and one his best friend and roommate and formerly my very good friend, were at least on some level responsible.
I'm not blaming people. I wasn't really told why I was fired. But I've heard the rumors. And these people don't seem to want to deny them. I wish they would. It would be easier to be betrayed by a horrible corporation than by two of my best friends.
Very long story that should go in a separate post.
It's complicated because it's just a huge awkward mess involving lots of people who are friends, or sleeping together, and lots of drama and hating and ridiculousness.
However, especially since I don't think very many of my real life friends know about this blog, and I'm fairly sure none of the people involved do, this is actually a good forum to discuss it.
STAY TUNED FOR THE STORY OF HOW I WAS FIRED FROM WHOLE FOODS.
Anyway. Back to our original subject:
I realized at a moment of pure pop culture brilliance that the girl who may or may not have gotten me fired is exactly the character faith from buffy the vampire slayer. Because she does a lot of really bad shit and must be stopped from hurting people, but is still a sympathetic character because she's so crazy and fucked up that you can see how she has no choice but to do these things. She's evil in a sexy awesome kind of way, but you still know that buffy has to eventually stop her, even though she kind of understands her.
And I'm am buffy in the sense that obviously I make terrible relationship decisions (exboyfriend choosing to get me fired). But look at buffy...angel, riley, spike...
And the exboyfriend is angel after he lost his soul. Because he turned into a totally different person out of the blue, and went from someone I felt like I'd always want in my life on some level to someone who would get me fired out of spite.
Ok, I know this whole post is lame. I've had a rough week, and figuring out that buffy analogy really cheered me up.
Isn't that the point of having blog though, that I can share these totally pointless yet amusing to me observations?
(whole foods related post traumatic stress disorder) but I did realize something totally hilarious today.
I was fired under very confusing circumstances, but it seems like two people I know, one my exboyfriend and one his best friend and roommate and formerly my very good friend, were at least on some level responsible.
I'm not blaming people. I wasn't really told why I was fired. But I've heard the rumors. And these people don't seem to want to deny them. I wish they would. It would be easier to be betrayed by a horrible corporation than by two of my best friends.
Very long story that should go in a separate post.
It's complicated because it's just a huge awkward mess involving lots of people who are friends, or sleeping together, and lots of drama and hating and ridiculousness.
However, especially since I don't think very many of my real life friends know about this blog, and I'm fairly sure none of the people involved do, this is actually a good forum to discuss it.
STAY TUNED FOR THE STORY OF HOW I WAS FIRED FROM WHOLE FOODS.
Anyway. Back to our original subject:
I realized at a moment of pure pop culture brilliance that the girl who may or may not have gotten me fired is exactly the character faith from buffy the vampire slayer. Because she does a lot of really bad shit and must be stopped from hurting people, but is still a sympathetic character because she's so crazy and fucked up that you can see how she has no choice but to do these things. She's evil in a sexy awesome kind of way, but you still know that buffy has to eventually stop her, even though she kind of understands her.
And I'm am buffy in the sense that obviously I make terrible relationship decisions (exboyfriend choosing to get me fired). But look at buffy...angel, riley, spike...
And the exboyfriend is angel after he lost his soul. Because he turned into a totally different person out of the blue, and went from someone I felt like I'd always want in my life on some level to someone who would get me fired out of spite.
Ok, I know this whole post is lame. I've had a rough week, and figuring out that buffy analogy really cheered me up.
Isn't that the point of having blog though, that I can share these totally pointless yet amusing to me observations?
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