driving.

today I drove my car for the first time since november 11th, when I severed the infamous ring finger tendons. I'm still wearing a cast (and as of today, an old-fashioned plaster of paris one, yay fancy modern medical technology) but I have to begin practicing my return to so-called normal life.

I was actually pretty terrified, since as many of you may know, I'm generally a pretty terrible driver...but when I finally got into my car this afternoon...oh man...I swear I was tearful with joy. really. turning onto prospect street, listening to the magnetic fields loudly, I got all choked up. the first time I accelerated on the gas, I was bouncing up and down in my seat.

I really love my car. she's so big and green, and has a lighthouse glued to her dashboard. and her seats are big and cozy and the heat works really well and she plays music so wonderfully.

I got so excited that I immediately cleaned out months of trash, and all the gross wet stuff from the ceiling leak I was having in the summer and fall. It's nice to have the old girl back.

this must be some sort of lesson in humility...or the pleasure that comes from limited expectations...or something...because nothing has made me so happy in weeks as driving to hadley listening to "the charm of the highway strip" and going to the fabric store and target. where I acquired embroidery supplies and the cutest pink long underwear set for $5.

I wanted so bad to get on the highway and keep driving....just holding onto the steering wheel and pressing down on the gas I feel like I woke up from a long dream I've been having.

I know that cars are bad for the earth and it's kind of bad to love them, but I have all these issues with power and control, and it means so much to me to know I could drive away if I wanted to. I think knowing that I could take off in the night by myself if I needed to is the thing that keeps me sane.

I haven't been able too go places in so long, and I've been having so many thoughts about roads and romanticizing movement. I went kayaking on sunday and it felt incredible just to push the paddles through water. for someone who's been mostly housebound for more than three months, breaking through ice with kayak paddles was, i don't know, i can't describe it. I want to say again, like I've been sleeping for a long time and I just woke up.