I don't why, but ani's really nice tonight.
Two quotes from "knuckle Down" which I generally think is just a terrible album, and I've never really listened to, I can't stop playing over and over again. Again, it's probably been ten years since I seriously listened to ani difranco. But I guess I made the correct random choice tonight.
"come home and my guitar
has nothin to say to me
i recoil from all my friends
and then i'm in misery
been so long since i've been held
really since i was his
probably just need to be held
that's probably all it is"
-ani, "recoil"
"but you can't will yourself happy
you can't will your cunt wet
you can't keep standing at the station
pretending you're being met
you can't wear a sign that says 'yours'
when that ain't what you get"
-ani, "callous"
....other little things about tonight...I've been reading Julia Child's memoir, "My Life In France, " and that's making me incredibly happy. And she didn't learn to cook at all until she was 36, so maybe there is serious hope for me. Maybe I will have my restaurant someday. And she found the love of her life in her late 30's, and they lived happily ever after, complete with delicious food, so again, hope...
...I found a completely brand new "clear head" candle from whole foods in the bathroom that I had forgotten I had and that's making the apartment much better...
...last night I stayed up late reading and working in my sketchbook, not messing around pointlessly on the internet and I think it might happen again tonight...(except then why am I writing in this blog?)
...even though it's late I just did some yoga, and now I feel bendy and calmer...
...my tarot card for tonight was the Hawk, Messenger, "do not let your emotions cloud your perceptions. Examine your life from a higher perspective." When don't I let my emotions cloud my perceptions...hmmm.
Showing posts with label pop culture. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pop culture. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Trainwreck (me & britney spears & courtney love)
Just a few random thoughts...lately a various assortment of sort of shitty things have happened to me (and oh believe me I fully realize that these are not shitty things on a truly horrible scale, I know that I am not dying or sick and not starving and not living in a war zone or a natural disaster, I know, I know, and I am incredibly grateful for all those things, I am I am I am)...but I still have experienced what one could call some sort of trauma, and the way people are now treating me is, um, interesting? weird? hurtful? funny?
(this going to all tie back into britney, don't worry)
(also this won't make a huge amount of sense, overall, so if you are looking for cohesion, stop reading)
But I made a terrible romantic decision and that caused me to lose my job, and before that he hurt me really badly both emotionally and physically, and since about mid-november I've been in a kind of downward spiral, way before I lost my job this happened, and that led to some other insane behavior and lots out of control drunken reckless behavior...
Hi britney! Hi courtney love! yes! trainwreck city!
I think it's true, no matter who you are, you get your heart broken publicly, it hurts the same way, and people treat you the same way, like it's catching, and just because someone fucked you over real real real bad, and you have the emotional awareness to be feeling it, then there is something wrong with you.
"just get over it", they say. "move on." and I know that to be true. but I'm not there yet.
For me, the fact that I get up and get dressed everyday, keep my house clean, feed the cat, feed myself, apply for jobs, paint some, write about art, all these things are a major victory. A lot of me just wants to lie in bed and cry.
But I get accused of dwelling in the past. I guess I am. But that was such a major betrayal. The whole thing, the violence, the betrayal, the effect it's had on my life, I'm not ready to move on. I can't yet.
I can't. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard...to let go of the anger, the hurt, oh I know these are unproductive emotions, I want then gone, I do I do.
But I still don't sleep. I still am having panic attacks. I still go over it in my head constantly. I still wake up so sad every single day. I never ever want to get out of bed in the morning. I'm trying but I don't. I'm still grateful for everything I have, but that doesn't mean I feel ok.
Ok, this is the bad part, here goes:
I AM SORRY THAT HE BROKE MY HEART WORSE THAN IT'S EVER BEEN BROKEN BEFORE AND I FELL APART AND THEN HE GAVE THEM MY LETTERS AND I GOT FIRED AND NOW I'M BROKE AND UNEMPLOYED AND REALLY FREAKED OUT AND LONELY BUT I HATE EVERYONE AND CAN'T TRUST AT ALL AND CAN'T LET ANYONE IN BUT KEEP TAKING THESE CRAZY RISKS IN ORDER TO HEAR SOMEONE SAY THAT I'M BEAUTIFUL BUT I MOSTLY HAVE AN OUT OF BODY THING GOING DURING SEX NOW AND I'M SORRY IF HE WASN'T VIOLENT ENOUGH TO MEET SOME PEOPLE'S STANDARDS BUT IT WAS VIOLENT ENOUGH FOR ME AND I KEEP DISCONNECTING AND I DON'T CARE WHO THINKS I'M LYING OR EXAGGERATING OR TRYING TO GET ATTENTION WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN HE AND I NO ONE SHOULD KNOW THE DETAILS OF EXCEPT HE AND I AND IT WAS REALLY FUCKING BAD AND I HAVE BEEN 13 AGAIN SINCE NOVEMBER 29. SO FUCK YOU EMERSON. AND COURTNEY. AND YOUR FRIENDS. AND EVERYONE WHO THINKS I AM TAKING IT TOO HARD. YEAH I WAS A SHITHEAD TOO. BUT YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO TAKE EVERYTHING. YOU FUCKING BASTARD YOU SLAM MY HEAD AGAINST A WALL AND CAUSE ME TO HAVE A SEMI-NERVOUS BREAKDOWN BECAUSE NO ONE HAS DONE THAT TO ME SINCE I WAS 13 YEARS OLD AND THEN YOU BLAME ME FOR IT WHICH I BELIEVE AND THEN I START TO COLLAPSE AND YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THAT TO GET ME FIRED AND REMOVE ANY STABILITY OR REASON TO GET OUT OF BED AT ALL FROM MY LIFE JUST WHEN I NEED IT MOST.
ok, bad part over. But for everyone who keeps asking, this is where the Britney thing comes from, people watching while you go from everything to nothing, and both judging and enjoying it at the same time.
I know people are backing away from me in that "oh no trainwreck" kind of way.
Look how courtney love has been treated for more than ten years now, because maybe you act crazy when someone you love even tries to kill themselves. I've been there. And people want you to act normal. But nothing is anymore.
Falling apart publicly...it's interesting.
Driving to work the day I was suspended totally unexpectedly, I was listening to the new britney album, and really liking "circus" a lot, and already thinking about changing my facebook status to "all eyes on me in the center of the ring just like a circus." and then I was interviewed about my emotions and my sex life and then suspended, and I did change it to that, but then it was so much more funny and sad and ironic.
My final point: women should be allowed to be outrageous and hot and crazy and emotional and feel pain and act out without being raked over coals like this. Only girls ever seem to be left crying alone on the stairs and photographed at their worst and mocked and judged by everyone.
From the Mountain Goats, "I am going to make it through this year if it kills me."
I'm just really wounded right now. I'm doing what I can. That's all.
(this going to all tie back into britney, don't worry)
(also this won't make a huge amount of sense, overall, so if you are looking for cohesion, stop reading)
But I made a terrible romantic decision and that caused me to lose my job, and before that he hurt me really badly both emotionally and physically, and since about mid-november I've been in a kind of downward spiral, way before I lost my job this happened, and that led to some other insane behavior and lots out of control drunken reckless behavior...
Hi britney! Hi courtney love! yes! trainwreck city!
I think it's true, no matter who you are, you get your heart broken publicly, it hurts the same way, and people treat you the same way, like it's catching, and just because someone fucked you over real real real bad, and you have the emotional awareness to be feeling it, then there is something wrong with you.
"just get over it", they say. "move on." and I know that to be true. but I'm not there yet.
For me, the fact that I get up and get dressed everyday, keep my house clean, feed the cat, feed myself, apply for jobs, paint some, write about art, all these things are a major victory. A lot of me just wants to lie in bed and cry.
But I get accused of dwelling in the past. I guess I am. But that was such a major betrayal. The whole thing, the violence, the betrayal, the effect it's had on my life, I'm not ready to move on. I can't yet.
I can't. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard...to let go of the anger, the hurt, oh I know these are unproductive emotions, I want then gone, I do I do.
But I still don't sleep. I still am having panic attacks. I still go over it in my head constantly. I still wake up so sad every single day. I never ever want to get out of bed in the morning. I'm trying but I don't. I'm still grateful for everything I have, but that doesn't mean I feel ok.
Ok, this is the bad part, here goes:
I AM SORRY THAT HE BROKE MY HEART WORSE THAN IT'S EVER BEEN BROKEN BEFORE AND I FELL APART AND THEN HE GAVE THEM MY LETTERS AND I GOT FIRED AND NOW I'M BROKE AND UNEMPLOYED AND REALLY FREAKED OUT AND LONELY BUT I HATE EVERYONE AND CAN'T TRUST AT ALL AND CAN'T LET ANYONE IN BUT KEEP TAKING THESE CRAZY RISKS IN ORDER TO HEAR SOMEONE SAY THAT I'M BEAUTIFUL BUT I MOSTLY HAVE AN OUT OF BODY THING GOING DURING SEX NOW AND I'M SORRY IF HE WASN'T VIOLENT ENOUGH TO MEET SOME PEOPLE'S STANDARDS BUT IT WAS VIOLENT ENOUGH FOR ME AND I KEEP DISCONNECTING AND I DON'T CARE WHO THINKS I'M LYING OR EXAGGERATING OR TRYING TO GET ATTENTION WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN HE AND I NO ONE SHOULD KNOW THE DETAILS OF EXCEPT HE AND I AND IT WAS REALLY FUCKING BAD AND I HAVE BEEN 13 AGAIN SINCE NOVEMBER 29. SO FUCK YOU EMERSON. AND COURTNEY. AND YOUR FRIENDS. AND EVERYONE WHO THINKS I AM TAKING IT TOO HARD. YEAH I WAS A SHITHEAD TOO. BUT YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO TAKE EVERYTHING. YOU FUCKING BASTARD YOU SLAM MY HEAD AGAINST A WALL AND CAUSE ME TO HAVE A SEMI-NERVOUS BREAKDOWN BECAUSE NO ONE HAS DONE THAT TO ME SINCE I WAS 13 YEARS OLD AND THEN YOU BLAME ME FOR IT WHICH I BELIEVE AND THEN I START TO COLLAPSE AND YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THAT TO GET ME FIRED AND REMOVE ANY STABILITY OR REASON TO GET OUT OF BED AT ALL FROM MY LIFE JUST WHEN I NEED IT MOST.
ok, bad part over. But for everyone who keeps asking, this is where the Britney thing comes from, people watching while you go from everything to nothing, and both judging and enjoying it at the same time.
I know people are backing away from me in that "oh no trainwreck" kind of way.
Look how courtney love has been treated for more than ten years now, because maybe you act crazy when someone you love even tries to kill themselves. I've been there. And people want you to act normal. But nothing is anymore.
Falling apart publicly...it's interesting.
Driving to work the day I was suspended totally unexpectedly, I was listening to the new britney album, and really liking "circus" a lot, and already thinking about changing my facebook status to "all eyes on me in the center of the ring just like a circus." and then I was interviewed about my emotions and my sex life and then suspended, and I did change it to that, but then it was so much more funny and sad and ironic.
My final point: women should be allowed to be outrageous and hot and crazy and emotional and feel pain and act out without being raked over coals like this. Only girls ever seem to be left crying alone on the stairs and photographed at their worst and mocked and judged by everyone.
From the Mountain Goats, "I am going to make it through this year if it kills me."
I'm just really wounded right now. I'm doing what I can. That's all.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
why britney? (Most of life is unsettling and I think it's comforting to see that reflected in art)
(some thoughts on art to make up for all the recent drivel about boys)
Most of life is unsettling and I think it's comforting to see that reflected in art.
This has something to do with britney spears, and with tabloid headlines. What I like about tabloid headlines (reminds me that I need to go check out this week's headlines) is that they are expressing these huge raw human truths in these giant yellow letters. "IM SORRY" "HUMILIATING BETRAYAL" etc and usually you can find some expression of some drama going on in your personal life expressed in some magazine in the grocery aisle. like just after my most recent break up I found "HOW COULD YOU" and more recently "THE FEUD GETS WORSE" (haha who's that refer to?).
using britney specifically first of all ties all this in to one story which I think sets some boundaries first of all, because I'm working within the confines of actual events in the life of britney spears, and also provides some visual continuity, rather than if I was using every possible celebrity drama.
Britney Spears, too, more than anyone else, obviously symbolized "the raw messy details" which is the theme of my current work.
Before all the bad stuff even started happening to her, britney was over the top and unreal in a way that other celebrities just are not.
I find visually the progression from the lolita/candy imagery of her earlier career to now with the crisis/mental illness headlines to contain a lot of moments that are really relateable to being a human being, but done in this over the top ultra theatrical kind of way.
I think mental illness and breakdowns and heartache and tears are the things that people like to keep under wraps and not bring out into the open, and in britney case they are being shoved under a giant stoplight.
the headline glued into the front of my current sketchbook reads "from breakdown to center stage"
I think that's such a great sentence, thanks people magazine or whatever.
All the work I've done with britney genuinely makes people uncomfortable, and it's not actually that easy to make people uncomfortable with visual artwork, especially if you're not using really violent or sexual imagery (which I also do but I'm trying not to overdo it).
Most of life is unsettling and I think it's comforting to see that reflected in art.
This has something to do with britney spears, and with tabloid headlines. What I like about tabloid headlines (reminds me that I need to go check out this week's headlines) is that they are expressing these huge raw human truths in these giant yellow letters. "IM SORRY" "HUMILIATING BETRAYAL" etc and usually you can find some expression of some drama going on in your personal life expressed in some magazine in the grocery aisle. like just after my most recent break up I found "HOW COULD YOU" and more recently "THE FEUD GETS WORSE" (haha who's that refer to?).
using britney specifically first of all ties all this in to one story which I think sets some boundaries first of all, because I'm working within the confines of actual events in the life of britney spears, and also provides some visual continuity, rather than if I was using every possible celebrity drama.
Britney Spears, too, more than anyone else, obviously symbolized "the raw messy details" which is the theme of my current work.
Before all the bad stuff even started happening to her, britney was over the top and unreal in a way that other celebrities just are not.
I find visually the progression from the lolita/candy imagery of her earlier career to now with the crisis/mental illness headlines to contain a lot of moments that are really relateable to being a human being, but done in this over the top ultra theatrical kind of way.
I think mental illness and breakdowns and heartache and tears are the things that people like to keep under wraps and not bring out into the open, and in britney case they are being shoved under a giant stoplight.
the headline glued into the front of my current sketchbook reads "from breakdown to center stage"
I think that's such a great sentence, thanks people magazine or whatever.
All the work I've done with britney genuinely makes people uncomfortable, and it's not actually that easy to make people uncomfortable with visual artwork, especially if you're not using really violent or sexual imagery (which I also do but I'm trying not to overdo it).
Friday, January 9, 2009
more on my endlessly fascinating buffy analogy...
I just took an internet buffy personality quiz and it turns out that I am glory! Glory!
THAT MAKES TOTAL SENSE.
Now I have to go rethink everything...
(the internet has done a lot for me lately)
THAT MAKES TOTAL SENSE.
Now I have to go rethink everything...
(the internet has done a lot for me lately)
Sunday, January 4, 2009
pop culture reference sunday!
I was recently fired from my job of three and a half years under totally ridiculous circumstances, and I haven't written about it much because I'm still in total shock and distress,
(whole foods related post traumatic stress disorder) but I did realize something totally hilarious today.
I was fired under very confusing circumstances, but it seems like two people I know, one my exboyfriend and one his best friend and roommate and formerly my very good friend, were at least on some level responsible.
I'm not blaming people. I wasn't really told why I was fired. But I've heard the rumors. And these people don't seem to want to deny them. I wish they would. It would be easier to be betrayed by a horrible corporation than by two of my best friends.
Very long story that should go in a separate post.
It's complicated because it's just a huge awkward mess involving lots of people who are friends, or sleeping together, and lots of drama and hating and ridiculousness.
However, especially since I don't think very many of my real life friends know about this blog, and I'm fairly sure none of the people involved do, this is actually a good forum to discuss it.
STAY TUNED FOR THE STORY OF HOW I WAS FIRED FROM WHOLE FOODS.
Anyway. Back to our original subject:
I realized at a moment of pure pop culture brilliance that the girl who may or may not have gotten me fired is exactly the character faith from buffy the vampire slayer. Because she does a lot of really bad shit and must be stopped from hurting people, but is still a sympathetic character because she's so crazy and fucked up that you can see how she has no choice but to do these things. She's evil in a sexy awesome kind of way, but you still know that buffy has to eventually stop her, even though she kind of understands her.
And I'm am buffy in the sense that obviously I make terrible relationship decisions (exboyfriend choosing to get me fired). But look at buffy...angel, riley, spike...
And the exboyfriend is angel after he lost his soul. Because he turned into a totally different person out of the blue, and went from someone I felt like I'd always want in my life on some level to someone who would get me fired out of spite.
Ok, I know this whole post is lame. I've had a rough week, and figuring out that buffy analogy really cheered me up.
Isn't that the point of having blog though, that I can share these totally pointless yet amusing to me observations?
(whole foods related post traumatic stress disorder) but I did realize something totally hilarious today.
I was fired under very confusing circumstances, but it seems like two people I know, one my exboyfriend and one his best friend and roommate and formerly my very good friend, were at least on some level responsible.
I'm not blaming people. I wasn't really told why I was fired. But I've heard the rumors. And these people don't seem to want to deny them. I wish they would. It would be easier to be betrayed by a horrible corporation than by two of my best friends.
Very long story that should go in a separate post.
It's complicated because it's just a huge awkward mess involving lots of people who are friends, or sleeping together, and lots of drama and hating and ridiculousness.
However, especially since I don't think very many of my real life friends know about this blog, and I'm fairly sure none of the people involved do, this is actually a good forum to discuss it.
STAY TUNED FOR THE STORY OF HOW I WAS FIRED FROM WHOLE FOODS.
Anyway. Back to our original subject:
I realized at a moment of pure pop culture brilliance that the girl who may or may not have gotten me fired is exactly the character faith from buffy the vampire slayer. Because she does a lot of really bad shit and must be stopped from hurting people, but is still a sympathetic character because she's so crazy and fucked up that you can see how she has no choice but to do these things. She's evil in a sexy awesome kind of way, but you still know that buffy has to eventually stop her, even though she kind of understands her.
And I'm am buffy in the sense that obviously I make terrible relationship decisions (exboyfriend choosing to get me fired). But look at buffy...angel, riley, spike...
And the exboyfriend is angel after he lost his soul. Because he turned into a totally different person out of the blue, and went from someone I felt like I'd always want in my life on some level to someone who would get me fired out of spite.
Ok, I know this whole post is lame. I've had a rough week, and figuring out that buffy analogy really cheered me up.
Isn't that the point of having blog though, that I can share these totally pointless yet amusing to me observations?
Saturday, December 6, 2008
honesty, and britney, and why things fail
Why is this so difficult, like in my last brief dating situation, there was so much talk of how similar we were, everything was based on that, but I wasn't dealing with any of the things I was hiding about me, even to myself when this was going on, like, I buy a huge amount of celebrity gossip magazines, that's what my work is about, so it's important, I really listening to britney spears albums, really, and britney has a lot to do with my multi-year underlying art project, so she can't be ignored with me, and I really like vegetables, and I don't even like donuts, but I do like going to the mall, and I like a lot of weird trashy crap as much as I like my more hipster acceptable neat vintage accessories, and I'm in general not the specialized version of myself I was trying to be. All the things I was presenting are true, but they are just a part of the whole, not the compete picture.
So I should have known something was wrong, the first time I want to buy a gossip magazine to cut up, and didn't, because I thought he wouldn't like it, even though he wasn't even there.
I'm not all cute 50's dresses, and bakelite silverware.
So I should have known something was wrong, the first time I want to buy a gossip magazine to cut up, and didn't, because I thought he wouldn't like it, even though he wasn't even there.
I'm not all cute 50's dresses, and bakelite silverware.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
corporate america explaining me to myself
yesterday I was killing time before meeting danielle and vanessa and angie to knit, and I went to target and bought the following objects:
blue sparkly mini christmas tree with blue lights in that perfect dark aqua blue I love, and I've always loved blue lights anyway, they remind me of maia and her room in providence
discount dvd copy of Breakfast at Tiffanys
sparkly gold and white thermal footless tights
copy of Star magazine with "HOW COULD YOU?" as the giant yellow headline for my next painting
metallic shiny hair elastics in earth tones
This is just connected to my recent thing of really enjoying the grouping of random objects together. All summer I've been enjoying the combinations of things I've found at yard sales or on a particular thrift shopping day and such.
Like the saturday morning before work right before I moved where I found two great nautical pictures in frames, the kentucky jigger whiskey glass(which I just remembered is still at dustin's house from halloween which makes me annoyed again that I forgot it there) and the small brass pony.
Or when vanessa and I went on the salvation army tour of franklin county and I got the awesome brown leather belt, the perfect vintage levis jacket, the ship made of shells, the complete asian cookbook, and the ceramic deer.
Or I can't even talk about the most amazing trip ever to the Deerfield antiques center or whatever it's called, on rte 5 & 10 driving home that sunday early afternoon when I bought all the most amazing stuff ever all at once. The falcon picture! The brass crab!
I kind of want all these objects to get to live together forever.
And as a kind of sequel to my last post, the other thing my artwork is about (as if everyone was dying to know) is stuff overlapping with other stuff. if that makes any sense at all.
and that particular bag of stuff from the target in the hampshire mall of all places, that really actually perfectly describes me as a person. Those particular objects combined. That's a nice self portrait.
blue sparkly mini christmas tree with blue lights in that perfect dark aqua blue I love, and I've always loved blue lights anyway, they remind me of maia and her room in providence
discount dvd copy of Breakfast at Tiffanys
sparkly gold and white thermal footless tights
copy of Star magazine with "HOW COULD YOU?" as the giant yellow headline for my next painting
metallic shiny hair elastics in earth tones
This is just connected to my recent thing of really enjoying the grouping of random objects together. All summer I've been enjoying the combinations of things I've found at yard sales or on a particular thrift shopping day and such.
Like the saturday morning before work right before I moved where I found two great nautical pictures in frames, the kentucky jigger whiskey glass(which I just remembered is still at dustin's house from halloween which makes me annoyed again that I forgot it there) and the small brass pony.
Or when vanessa and I went on the salvation army tour of franklin county and I got the awesome brown leather belt, the perfect vintage levis jacket, the ship made of shells, the complete asian cookbook, and the ceramic deer.
Or I can't even talk about the most amazing trip ever to the Deerfield antiques center or whatever it's called, on rte 5 & 10 driving home that sunday early afternoon when I bought all the most amazing stuff ever all at once. The falcon picture! The brass crab!
I kind of want all these objects to get to live together forever.
And as a kind of sequel to my last post, the other thing my artwork is about (as if everyone was dying to know) is stuff overlapping with other stuff. if that makes any sense at all.
and that particular bag of stuff from the target in the hampshire mall of all places, that really actually perfectly describes me as a person. Those particular objects combined. That's a nice self portrait.
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