heart broken, shattered, still cooking

All week I've been seriously freaking out about work and money and life and what on earth am I going to do. Right now things are getting really scary.
Emotionally as well as financially.
I can't sleep. I keep doing all these crazy things and taking these stupid risks just for the chance at sleep. Any distraction, any person, any body, just for some sleep.
This morning, I woke up with someone in my bed who I really wasn't sure if I wanted to be there, and got up by myself to clean up the aftermath of the night before and drink tea alone and sit at my computer at the kitchen table, where I ended up just torturing myself on the internet about that boy who recently broke my heart and got me fired, you know that one.
That made me really sad, and made me realize that I miss him really badly, so I was dealing with that, but...
Then eventually the guy from my bed (and I like this guy sincerely, I really do, but I don't know what is going on and I think I let him push me around too much because I'm so disconnected and frozen and shattered right now...that's a whole other post though) left my bed and my apartment, and right on cue a registered letter arrived from whole foods denying my appeal of my termination, which states as part of their evidence for why they should have fired me the fact that the boy gave them all of our emails back and forth for our whole relationships. And it does state officially that his roommate and my former friend made the complaint about me, and that is really the reason why now I'm totally broke and scared and freaking out. I kept trying to blame myself and give them the benefit of the doubt, but I guess I was wrong.
oh god he gave them our letters.
This official letter from whole foods actually states something about how on september 18, 2008, we know you were in "insert his name here"'s bedroom because of a facebook message to that effect.
That's the correct date too, of the first time we slept together, which makes me so so so so mad...no way whole foods should know that.
That came from a message he wrote, that first morning, that was so beautiful, and even post breakup, was something I treasured. Breakups are one thing, but now he's taken our love letters away from me.
I remember, it ended with, "you are beautiful like nothing else" and it gave me chills at the time. He said his bed smelled like me, and he was invigorated by that.
I wouldn't write about this here, ever, except he's ruined it all anyway.
I can just see those whole foods executive people reading those messages and it makes me want to crawl out of my skin.
I can't even speak.
One of the ways they say I lied was that they asked me in the investigation how I felt about the breakup and I said well you know, I'm getting over it, like you would say to anyone you didn't want to cry to, and they pointed out a facebook message I wrote him right after we broke up in which I said I was upset as PROOF that I lied.
How was I supposed to answer that question officially? How do I feel about the breakup? I don't know. I think what I actually said was that it wasn't the worst breakup I'd ever had, so I would live.
That is very very very true. Maybe they don't know how bad things can get. Probably they don't, because they don't even seem to be human. But once you've seen someone you love's blood all over the walls...well....even though I ended up getting fired, this still wasn't the worst breakup I've ever had.
Fuck fuck fuck you whole foods, for firing people for being humans and having feelings.
The letter from whole foods goes on for six pages of this stuff.
I can't even understand how it's possible to live with so much anger.,
And then I talked to my dad and he said my mom is mad at me because she still blames me for the whole thing simply for trusting that boy at all, my bad judgment=my fault, as if women don't date men who beat them and hurt them all the time, and I guess she read on facebook or this blog or somewhere that I went to vermont and that hot tub and thinks I'm spending money like crazy. Although vermont cost me nothing and I even got two free meals out of it. I am allowed to have friends, just because I'm unemployed am I supposed to turn down invitations that are fun if they cost no money?
All this makes me want to sit on the floor under a blanket forever.
oh god god I need a job right now. right this minute.
What kills me so much about this situation was right before that asshole had to sell me out, I was the most totally self sufficient I've ever been in the 30 years of my life...totally single, making a good salary, paying for everything myself. And he took that for no reason.
In order to cope I had to make myself a really nice dinner of scallops and cream and noodles (frozen scallops from trader joes I already had since I am still really freaked out about money) and exactly $4 of very well chosen vegetables from the co-op. Shallots, crimini mushrooms, baby bok choi, fingerling potatoes I already had, garlic, butter, white wine.
Every time that guy spends the night I feel like I have to reclaim the apartment, it smells like him, and objects are displaced and everything is chaos.
So I've been fixing it all night. And cooking helps. The smelling wrong thing bothers me the most.
The positive things about today (because I swear that I am going to remember the positive): my sweet kitten, who every time he sleeps in my bed also sleeps very close to me to look out for me (she usually sleeps in my bed, but when he's there she really makes sure she's close), that fact that when I finally escaped that house to take a walk, the sun came out it it was relatively warm (36! felt warm! that's how you know it's january in massachusetts), diane and david being there for me this afternoon, making a really satisfying mix tape, talking to my dad and having him be there for me and not judge, looking forward to learning to embroider with beth and sarah tomorrow, my lovely apartment that I am trying to hold on to despite being broke, wendy mailing me a king cake from new orleans, loving myself and my cat and my home and trying to fight to survive.