Just a few random thoughts...lately a various assortment of sort of shitty things have happened to me (and oh believe me I fully realize that these are not shitty things on a truly horrible scale, I know that I am not dying or sick and not starving and not living in a war zone or a natural disaster, I know, I know, and I am incredibly grateful for all those things, I am I am I am)...but I still have experienced what one could call some sort of trauma, and the way people are now treating me is, um, interesting? weird? hurtful? funny?
(this going to all tie back into britney, don't worry)
(also this won't make a huge amount of sense, overall, so if you are looking for cohesion, stop reading)
But I made a terrible romantic decision and that caused me to lose my job, and before that he hurt me really badly both emotionally and physically, and since about mid-november I've been in a kind of downward spiral, way before I lost my job this happened, and that led to some other insane behavior and lots out of control drunken reckless behavior...
Hi britney! Hi courtney love! yes! trainwreck city!
I think it's true, no matter who you are, you get your heart broken publicly, it hurts the same way, and people treat you the same way, like it's catching, and just because someone fucked you over real real real bad, and you have the emotional awareness to be feeling it, then there is something wrong with you.
"just get over it", they say. "move on." and I know that to be true. but I'm not there yet.
For me, the fact that I get up and get dressed everyday, keep my house clean, feed the cat, feed myself, apply for jobs, paint some, write about art, all these things are a major victory. A lot of me just wants to lie in bed and cry.
But I get accused of dwelling in the past. I guess I am. But that was such a major betrayal. The whole thing, the violence, the betrayal, the effect it's had on my life, I'm not ready to move on. I can't yet.
I can't. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard...to let go of the anger, the hurt, oh I know these are unproductive emotions, I want then gone, I do I do.
But I still don't sleep. I still am having panic attacks. I still go over it in my head constantly. I still wake up so sad every single day. I never ever want to get out of bed in the morning. I'm trying but I don't. I'm still grateful for everything I have, but that doesn't mean I feel ok.
Ok, this is the bad part, here goes:
I AM SORRY THAT HE BROKE MY HEART WORSE THAN IT'S EVER BEEN BROKEN BEFORE AND I FELL APART AND THEN HE GAVE THEM MY LETTERS AND I GOT FIRED AND NOW I'M BROKE AND UNEMPLOYED AND REALLY FREAKED OUT AND LONELY BUT I HATE EVERYONE AND CAN'T TRUST AT ALL AND CAN'T LET ANYONE IN BUT KEEP TAKING THESE CRAZY RISKS IN ORDER TO HEAR SOMEONE SAY THAT I'M BEAUTIFUL BUT I MOSTLY HAVE AN OUT OF BODY THING GOING DURING SEX NOW AND I'M SORRY IF HE WASN'T VIOLENT ENOUGH TO MEET SOME PEOPLE'S STANDARDS BUT IT WAS VIOLENT ENOUGH FOR ME AND I KEEP DISCONNECTING AND I DON'T CARE WHO THINKS I'M LYING OR EXAGGERATING OR TRYING TO GET ATTENTION WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN HE AND I NO ONE SHOULD KNOW THE DETAILS OF EXCEPT HE AND I AND IT WAS REALLY FUCKING BAD AND I HAVE BEEN 13 AGAIN SINCE NOVEMBER 29. SO FUCK YOU EMERSON. AND COURTNEY. AND YOUR FRIENDS. AND EVERYONE WHO THINKS I AM TAKING IT TOO HARD. YEAH I WAS A SHITHEAD TOO. BUT YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO TAKE EVERYTHING. YOU FUCKING BASTARD YOU SLAM MY HEAD AGAINST A WALL AND CAUSE ME TO HAVE A SEMI-NERVOUS BREAKDOWN BECAUSE NO ONE HAS DONE THAT TO ME SINCE I WAS 13 YEARS OLD AND THEN YOU BLAME ME FOR IT WHICH I BELIEVE AND THEN I START TO COLLAPSE AND YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THAT TO GET ME FIRED AND REMOVE ANY STABILITY OR REASON TO GET OUT OF BED AT ALL FROM MY LIFE JUST WHEN I NEED IT MOST.
ok, bad part over. But for everyone who keeps asking, this is where the Britney thing comes from, people watching while you go from everything to nothing, and both judging and enjoying it at the same time.
I know people are backing away from me in that "oh no trainwreck" kind of way.
Look how courtney love has been treated for more than ten years now, because maybe you act crazy when someone you love even tries to kill themselves. I've been there. And people want you to act normal. But nothing is anymore.
Falling apart publicly...it's interesting.
Driving to work the day I was suspended totally unexpectedly, I was listening to the new britney album, and really liking "circus" a lot, and already thinking about changing my facebook status to "all eyes on me in the center of the ring just like a circus." and then I was interviewed about my emotions and my sex life and then suspended, and I did change it to that, but then it was so much more funny and sad and ironic.
My final point: women should be allowed to be outrageous and hot and crazy and emotional and feel pain and act out without being raked over coals like this. Only girls ever seem to be left crying alone on the stairs and photographed at their worst and mocked and judged by everyone.
From the Mountain Goats, "I am going to make it through this year if it kills me."
I'm just really wounded right now. I'm doing what I can. That's all.
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