which is not to say. that change isn't good.

I am frequently entertaining fantasies of total and complete change.

Instead of driving to work, turning the car south and going to texas, or back to new orleans, or hell, north to montana to be a cowboy. Driving driving driving, away from connecticut and nyc, to places with skies and plains and views.

Quitting everything and living on a farm or on a boat.

My happiest moment this summer was when I arrived on the cape and drove straight to the beach in south dennis by myself and danced in the ocean during a midsummer dusk. When I first put my barefeet into the ocean I almost cried. That has to mean something.

I still really, really like my job, I do. And I'm grateful to have it. But I feel like, something, I don't know what, has to change...

...location, people, sleeping schedule, maybe I need some travel, I know I need more art but when, and I need to crochet the dress I invented in my head last spring, practice the drums, but paintings I really really need. I think...However much I try to quit painting, I can't, for some reason I need to make these ridiculous things...

Last night I awoke from a really good dream, to the police arriving at 5am because the neighbors were fighting. I think I've been confused by that all day. It was a nice dream though.