jamie-lynn spears

i was commenting on my friend amber's blog, because she posted about jamie-lynn spears announcing her pregnancy at 16 in ok magazine today, and because of course i love britney spears and follow her religiously, i had enough to say that i realized i was way exceeding the blog comment etiquette.

so below is my original comment, plus my additional commentary below that.

ok, i never comment on complicated issues, i but i have been especially following the saga of britney over the years, and there are definitely a few things that are bothering me about this. and it isn't the teen pregnancy thing i don't think. my parents were really young when i was born, and i also enjoyed having younger parents and i appreciate that my grandparents were in their early 40's when i was born, and that because of that they and i are very close. that said, 1) about ten years ago, britney and her mom were all over the press on the sex before marriage is wrong issue. remember? britney and justin never did it, because they were church-going folk? that has certainly helped britney a lot. and the abstinence only kids are the ones who are likely to make mistakes, not use birth control, and regret things. 2) the ok article says a lot about lynne spears' adorable grandchildren and jamie-lynn's adorable nephews and doesn't mention that they don't really see them because britney has been ruled by the state of california unfit to spend anytime with her own child without a court appointed parenting supervisor. 3) in all this talk about unplanned pregnancy, no one has mentioned that there are way, way worse consequences to unprotected sex than pregnancy. and as a former louisiana safe sex worker, really, it's the kids who don't use birth control because they figure babies are cute anyway are kids who get sick. and this last point is what is really bothering me. because 16 year olds should use condoms because they don't want to end up hiv positive. ok, end of rant, thanks for listening.

the ok article was creepy. both jamie-lynn and lynne answered "we just need to focus on the baby right now" to every single question. britney was never mentioned except to say how cute her babies are, except of course she has no idea how to parent them. and let's not mention the father very much, because he's clearly going to bale at some point.

jamie-lynn said something about needing to find work she could do to stay home with the baby, except of course the one million dollar deal with ok magazine for the story plus the exclusive rights to photos of the newborn would really be enough for most single moms with one infant to live off of for a while. and i don't even care that she sold the story, because, yeah, way to be an kick-ass single teen mom and make yourself a million dollars. whatever if she's exploiting the baby. i wouldn't care myself if i'd been in a goossip magazine as a baby. but don't pretend that's not what your doing.

and still the thing that bothers me the most is the lack of connection of stds to unprotected sex in any of this. because really, pregnancy is an ok outcome, because that won't kill you. i spent a depressingly long time doing hiv/aids statistics for the state of louisiana public health department, and it makes me mad that jamie-lynn won't say, "even though i got pregnant by accident, i am happy that i'm going to keep my baby and i think everything will be fine, but unprotected sex is still not cool, because everything would not be fine if i had ended up hiv positive and not pregnant, or worse, both hiv positive and pregnant. and at the health department in louisiana i used to deal with the case files all the time of teenagers much younger than 16 who were both hiv positive and pregnant and that is why i now work for whole foods in customer service and make much less money, because i couldn't fucking take it anymore.

and on a lighter note, how could they have named that girl jamie-lynn (dad=jamie, mom=lynne), come on, please be more southern white trash.

i wish both britney and jamie-lynn could just get it together and collect their children and go live in an awesome punk rock lesbian feminist mothers' collective. that would be wonderful.

how come?

...there isn't a project runway/top chef style reality show for fine artists? there's really something to be said for having the opportunity to work with/be judged by one's peers. or maybe thinking this is just a sign that i should go back to school and get the mfa finally. or maybe i'm just bored artistically and should meet some cool artists. or maybe i already know them, and should just not be so shy that i cannot talk to them. or maybe i should just try to heal my left hand real fast and learn to sew on ali's old machine, and make the quilt i've been planning for about five years with all the beautiful lily pulitzer things i have that don't fit. or learn to hook rugs or something.

i really do think a reality challenge show for fine artists would be good though. how come the chefs and the fashion people get to have all the fun?

top chef!

on the top chef holiday special tonight (which i've been way too excited to watch all week) they were shopping at whole foods! goddamn for like ten minutes the whole thing was like a whole foods ad...'well i was excited by their great produce' and 'when i got to wf and saw the meat and seafood selection i got really excited about this challenge' etc. on one hand this sort of product placement is obviously very wrong...on the other hand, i really really really love top chef, so i still squealed that they were shopping at the store i work for.

i knew from worjkthat wf was the official food sponsor now for top chef but i hadn't seen it on tv yet. i can't wait for season 4 when wf is on every episode!!!

sorry. i know this post is lame. i think it's just comforting for me after my last angry post.

mindless visually stimulating pretty food tv = the anecdote for bitchy myspace emails that hurt ones feelings.

misunderstood collage girl

someone i know recently got rather mad at me for saying that i liked their myspace icon photo...i guess their choice of photo was meant to convey something important about stuff that was going on in their life which apparently i suck for not noticing...

i don't know, a lot of the art i like is a mixture of dark feelings and lighthearted representation. i know it wasn't necessarily a happy image, and i don't know exactly what i liked about it, but it kept catching my eye. i do tend to use the word 'pretty' for any image that makes me look twice and maybe that confuses people who simplistically think i mean pretty in the most basic sense. i don't know. i didn't really mean that i like it as a myspace icon, just that everytime i happened to see it that picture caught my eye. it's sort of my full time job to identify images that make me look twice...i was trying to pay that person a compliment by acknowledging that they had picked out an image that made me want to look.

all i do all day right now is sort through piles of images and save the ones i like. i am training my eye. i didn't realize that someone would think i was happy that they were sad. i also really did think that myspace in general had to be some mixture of silly and serious. i would never assume that my friends should throughly understand my mental state from anything they read on myspace. communication is tough in the best of circumstances. you've got to at least try harder then your internet profile.

i went off on a long ranty email in response and that's where a lot of this post comes from, but i made me really angry, i think especially because i've hanging out on the couch tonight watching top chef reruns on bravo and collaging from magazines in my sketchbook, so i was definitely in a mind set of finding visual inspiration wherever i find it. when i'm just free collaging, i tear out anything that catches my eye, and don't stop to think about why. i work fast, and i let the meaning come together later. once i've glued everything back together, it all means something that i couldn't have planned in advance.

so i'm sorry if i said an image that someone intended to be negative was pretty. i guess i was just born to find beauty in ugliness.

anyway, bitches always want to be hatin'...whatever.

knitting metaphors

last night i remember dreaming that someone was talking to me and using knitting metaphors...i can't remember exactly what the point was, but it was something like, this thing in life is like just knitting, while this part is like both knitting and purling. this was so vivid when i woke up that first i thought it was something i had read or seen on tv before bed, but that doesn't really make any sense, but the metaphor doesn't really make sense. in my dream it did though.

trying not to hurt myself anymore is...

...frustrating, because i am trying so hard to make the most that i can out of all this free time, and i feel like theoretically i should be able to make my work one-handedly and i can but not much, only for really limited amounts at a time, and damn it, the thing is that it's super hard for me to get to the place where stuff works right for me, and so all night i built up to it, and hey, it's midnight and i have no work or plans tomorrow and my boyfriend is out of town and we already said goodnight on the phone and i'm in my room and the music is right and my room is right and and all my materials are right and i've had the right amount of time playing in my sketchbook and i've reached that very elusive place where i can see the connections between images so effortlessly and it is so hard to get here and every time i look around the room there is something on the floor that should be glued to something else and i shouldn't do anything that involves moment right now at all. because i really can't do anything without somewhat employing the good fingers of my left hand, at least to hold things in place, and i sensed on the last thing i did that i was really pushing. and i had some really bad pain trying to get the lid off a gluestick. and for i while i really thought that i popped the tendon again and fucked everything again, i think it's ok but i'm still a little scared because that would be so stupid. anyway i feel all energetic and creative and wide awake except my arm is in a lot of pain and i can feel every inch of the tendon burning and i know it needs to rest. and all this would be fine if i could easily tomorrow just get in a good place to work again but i know i can't always and honestly i haven't felt this much like working in months. mostly i've been looking for any excuse to not work and this certainly is one. although typing this is making me realize that i did use to at least feel like a serious writer and i could do that without hurting myself i think, also i realize that this is such sloppy writing and i use 'super' and 'really' and 'sort of' every two seconds. i should probably not actually post this, as it makes little sense, but what the hell, this is sort of a journal entry anyway, and it's hard for me to write with a pen right now so i might as well record things here.

on an unrelated note, i hate when i say 'it is hard for me to...' because it sounds pathetic, and i keep doing it anyway. note to self: really must stop complaining asap. blah blah blah,

anyway that was my rant. 'night, y'all. i'm gonna go lie on my bed and rest my hand on a pillow like good girl.

at least while i'm going that i can enjoy my pretty pretty glittery snowflake christmas ornaments i giot at the hospice shop today and somehow manage to hang in my window (one of the reasons my hand is so tired).

p.s. sorry the title of this post is so dramatic, i didn't mean it that way, just that my hand is very delicate and most normal things are now dangerous. hey, 'most normal things are now dangerous' would have been a much better title, wouldn't it?

chicken and diamonds

so you know, i've got a ton of free time right now, and it's winter and freezing and lame outside, so i've been watching way more tv than usual. also i spent years having no tv at all and now i have on demand plus tivo, so occasionally tv just seems really surreal anyway.

but last night i was watching a very long mini series on the sci-fi channel, and it was astonishing how many commercials were either for kfc or kay jewelers. i felt like there were these images of a woman biting into a piece of fried chicken or a woman who looked like the same person crying over a diamond necklace. i know television commercials are evil, but the art part of my brain sort of loved it. what a wonderful juxtaposition, the generic blonde all american woman, in ecstasy over chicken and diamonds.

although things like that are the reason i make collages in the first place.

but i was terrified that by the end of the night all i would want in the world would be a chicken leg and a gigantic ring shaped like a heart. which sort of happened, but it wore off.

on a related note, i watch football games with greg sometimes, and it's creepy how many diamond commercials there are during football games. i swear, i know this is only my first serious boyfriend, but i am confident that men are not actually so stupid that they cannot buy christmas gifts unless they see commercials for them during football and those gifts do not actually have to be hideous diamond jewelry that looks like it came from kmart. i mean, maybe i am mistaken, but greg appears to be a rational human being who knows me as a person and can pick out a gift or two.

and that is my media commentary for today. thank you very much.

I wonder why...

...there has been a slice of pizza lying on the kitchen counter all day.

i also wonder why i like to eat jalapeno slices out of the jar as a snack so much.

and i wonder how wacky i'll get by the end of this week. i'm kind of strange anyway, and with not working and not being able to drive combined with greg being out of town and wintery weather keeping me in the house, who knows what sort of bizarre habits i'll develop. as if sitting on the floor of my room listening to britney spears and tearing things out of food magazines and gluing them onto cheap calender pages wasn't odd enough.

ah, these mysteries of modern life.

lovely

walking in the falling snow with rin and sarah this afternoon and drinking whiskey and eating gingerbread muffins in the park. and having the sun break through right at the end. lovely friends and lovely winter.

mail

i've just spent the morning writing letters the old fashioned way, because what the heck else do i have to do, on a snowy monday morning still being an invalid and with greg having left for vancouver at 5am, and i was really appreciating the tactile sensation of putting paper into envelopes and addressing them, and of walking the envelopes out to the mailbox in the snow.

there was a nice rhythm to writing the letter, packing it up to go, and them putting on my big sweater and sheepskin boots to walk out into the snowy drive to the mailbox, then back up to my desk to write some more.

i was writing letters on my collection of postcards, so the letter continued on from one picture to the next and something about the combination of words and pictures really pleased me. i love postcards, especially the tackiest possible touristy ones. there's something so wonderful about their enthusiasm. greg just bought me some chicago cards at the airport and i am excited because i have never been there.

it's such a quiet day, sitting at my desk watching it snow and writing things down, occasionally checking in with greg stranded in the airport in chicago, not even listening to music, just hearing the sounds of the house.

duck fat, blankets, sunset.

going to the nail salon next to the cumberland farms on king street to get the nails on my right hand cut, the sun coming out unexpectedly while i was walking, mocha lattes made right, the taste of hot and sour soup delivered by diane, rachael ray making chicken apple sausages and figs while i snuggle under a blanket, noticing the sunset from my desk, collage on my floor, the magnetic fields, an email from amber and memories of toast in san francisco, wearing the shawl i made right before i left nyc for california, watering my plants, love, confit means cooked in fat, thinking interesting thoughts even if nothing concrete gets accomplished, reading novel for the sake of the story, the value of time of dream and imagine and think.

some things to remember

10 good things from this weekend, thanksgiving 2007

1. my mom's turkey pot pie made with thanksgiving leftovers and the concept of turning all things into pie

2. watching the moon rise over slough pond at dusk sitting on the dock

3. abel stealing my roll at jared's birthday lunch and watching abel smile in general

4. walking to the lighthouse at race point through the sand dunes

5. seeing the cape in late november when the trees are all bare and everything looks white and brown and blue and clean

6. listening to journey in the car with ali in the rain and feeling cinematic

7. crab cake blts and peanut butter things and chowder

8. mum making everyones coffee for them at 7am

9. ceramic lighthouses and pictures of bears and my new boots

10. reading with stella kneading the blanket like a giant weirdo

i am a cranky bitch

or so it seems. i keep getting super frustrated that i can't do things for myself. then i attempt them myself instead of asking for help. then i get more frustrated and get into what is sort of tantrum mood. then i get mad at myself because i feel stupid having to ask greg for every little thing. and when greg gets annoyed that i am asking for help with every little thing, i get angry and we have a fight. although he's really being very very patient, he is. sometimes there is just a whole serious of things in a row i can't do. zip my sweatshirt, tie my snowboots, open a bottle of juice, get my coat on, drive the car, hold the basket of groceries, quickly get out my wallet. that sequence is a recipe for a fight right there. i can't understand why i can't be more gracious. i mean to. i am grateful. but i hate to ask for help, and i seem to be taking my anger at myself for needing help out on whoever's helping me. mostly greg. what's up with that? someone should send that boy a fruit basket. he's had a rough week here with me, poor guy. why can't i act a little more mature? i do not know.

oh dear.

oh well. the snow looks lovely out the window, and i am pretending i am curled up in a ski lodge. i am had a pain killer, and i may soon have some hot chocolate. then i'm going to watch season 6 of buffy on the dvd boxed set katie lent me. not so bad. perhaps this will all improve my temperment.

my state of mind

so below i've posted two surveys i just filled out, because i think that they are a pretty accurate record of my state of mind right now, and i think i should remember this. i'm really having to struggle a lot with being grateful right now...i can think of one million ways in which this situation could have been worse, much worse, and yet every time i turn around i find myself complaining about something stupid, like not being able to easily zip my sweatshirt. or not being able to drive. or not being able to wear most of my clothes. and i know before i got hurt i was complaining about even more stupid things. like having to go to work. even though right now i am dying to go to work. but i'm sure when my hand heals work will still suck. so this whole post is just to remind me to be more self-aware and not complain so much. and to remember to be grateful. because this thing with my hand is really nothing in the grand scheme of things, and yet it's somehow been kicking my ass.

anyway, below are those surveys. i seem to have forgotten to eat all day, so i should go take care of that. someday you can look forward to the post about how my fucked up body issues are doing with my not really being able to exercise much. it's fun. but i'm not even ready to write about that yet.

also, you guys should give me shit if i don't post a lot of blogs over the next few weeks. what else do i have to do but write?

1

1. Who were you with last Friday night?
greg. we got super drunk for free at gallery night, then went to packard's and had burgers. mine was deep fried and had cheese and jalapenos inside, yay!

2. What woke you up this morning?
nothing really, i'm home recovering, i have nowhere to be. i think it was the sunlight hitting the bed, maybe.

3. Where are you?
at my desk, even though i should really move the laptop to the bed so i can put my hand up.

4. Is tomorrow going to be a good day?
should be, i'll still be in a cast but i'm going to go buy art supplies to make one-handed art. might as well try to use all this time off of work.

6. When's the last time you cried?
i keep throwing stupid temper tantrums about stuff i can't do that i really shouldn't get that upset about. i really know it could be much worse. i do. i am trying to be more mature. i am. my boyfriend is very long suffering.

7. What were you doing at 10 last night?
playing life with ali and katie and greg.

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?
either sleeping or still reading one good thing by kate atkinson.

11. What were you doing at 2:00am?
definitely sleeping by then.

12. Ever thrown up from a roller coaster or an amusement park?
once. on the horrid pirate boat thing at knott's berry farm when i was little. but my gramma had just feed me a bunch of fried chicken right before going on the ride.

13. What's on your mind RIGHT NOW?
i kind of want the use of my left hand back.

15. Where would you like to live?
lot's of different places. a house on cape cod. a house in vermont. a place in new orleans. a place in san francisco. an apartment in new york city. an apartment in tokyo.

16. What kind of home would you like when you grow up?
like my room right now, only expanded. lots of specialized rooms for art projects. like the collage room, or the knitting room. the quilting room. lots of libraries. a wonderful kitchen with a viking stove and fancy kitchen appliances. a herb and vegetable garden. lots of thrift store paintings, especially ones of tigers.

17. What do you want to be when you grow up?
artist, rock star, worlds fastest crocheter.

18. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
hmmm.

21. What is the longest you have gone without checking your myspace?
well, since i've been at home in a cast, i check myspace every three minutes. literally.

23. Who was the last person that sent you a message?
On myspace? either diane or danielle.

24. Are you friends with this person?
yes with both of them.

25. How often do you log in to myspace?
Usually once a day, right now, all the time.

26. What do you like to do in the car?
sing along loudly to britney spears and the silver jews. (i wish there was actually a britney spears/silver jews duet album). drink coffee from 7-11 in insane flavors.

27. Do you like candy necklaces?
absolutely. i also love ring pops. i'd really rather all my jewelry was edible.

28. When was the last time you fell over or ran into something?
does running into the milk bottle with my finger count?

29. Do you listen to music every day?
yes, all the time.

31. What was the last thing you ate?
i just realized i haven't really eaten all day. bad lizzie. i did just drink a kombucha. in grape.

33. Is it the weekend?
it's friday evening.

34. What are you doing tonight?
probably just hanging out in my room reading and listening to music. i left the house for a few hours today. i think it was all i'm up to.

35. Whats your favorite soda?
i don't really drink soda much, but a coke (regular not diet) is required for certain foods, like mcdonalds french fries.

36. Ever moved?
quite a bit. although maybe still not enough.

38. Favorite sport to watch?
basketball.

39. What do you want right now?
right this minute i really want to put my hair in a ponytail. which i can't do with one hand and it's been driving me crazy since i hurt myself.

40. Are you listening to music right now?
yes. tegan and sara, the con.

41. Do you like summer break or Christmas break better?
i don't think i get those breaks anymore.

42. What was the last tv show you watched?
the wire on ondemand.

44. Best place to eat?
in noho: osaka, green street cafe, circa.
in the world, citrus club and cancun in sf, croissant d'or in new orleans, apsara's in providence, mamas in nyc, kates seafood in brewster, the wonderful oyster place in portland, me, lots more, just those off the top of my head.

45. What time is it?
6:18 pm.

46. What should you be doing right now?
maybe lying down. other than that, not sure.

48. What song makes you cry?
tons, lots of silver jews, cat power, jenny lewis, tom waits.

49. What song makes you happy?
right now, piece of me, britney spears.

50. What do you listen to before you go to bed?
whatever cd i am obsessed with at the moment.

53. If you were a crayon what color would you be?
one of the glitter ones.

56. What is your cars name?
big green car.

57. What is your dream car?
a car i can drive a lot without getting it fixed much.

58. What is your favorite state?
louisiana. although i'll probably never live there again.

59. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
probably someplace in asia. or north africa.

60. What is the farthest from home you have ever been?
london.

61. When is the last time you threw up?
the horrible day after we went out to celebrate nora's last day at the tunnel bar and i drank so much i almost died i think.

62. Who was the last person to call you?
greg.

63. What does your last incoming text message say?
still going but almost over

64. Where was your last kiss?
about an hour ago.

65. Would you kiss that person again?
yes!

66. How would you describe your mood?
Okay. copping. trying to be grateful that things aren't worse but still frustrated.

2

1. When you're home alone, do you still close the door when you shower?
yes because i have a lot of housemates. i think i would do it alone, too, just out of habit.

2. Has a friendship ended recently that you wish hadn't?
Yes

3. Did you ever have a person VERY close to you pass away?
no.

4. You win the $300 million power-ball lottery. What do you do with it?
buy a big gorgeous house somewhere amazing. buy some house for other people. fund a lot of art projects. travel. pay off loans.

5. Do you like your music loud or at a reasonable level?
very loud.

6. Are you a beach person or a snowy mountain person?
always beach.

7. When do you prefer to take a shower, morning or night?
morning. but night in the winter, so my hair doesn't freeze. i have long hair AND hate hair dryers.

8. Can you watch scary movies alone?
no, i get paralyzed with fear and have to hide under blankets.

9. Soft bed or firm?
firm, with tons of blankets.

10. Would you rather stay home all day, or be out and about?
out and about! thats why im going crazy right now. but i'm trying to deal. and home is nice too. i like it better when i can cook or knit, but its hard to do those things with one hand. but i've still got reading and the internet.

11. Have you ever wet the bed?
not in recent memory.

12. Favorite necklace?
i don't have one right now. i do wear 7 bracelets and the same earrings everyday.

13. Are you more likely to be with a large group of people or a few close?
both.

14. What are your plans for November?
recover from hand accident. make some art while recovering. go home for a while and spend time with my mom. try to see friends i've been neglecting.


15. Where would you like to live?
san francisco, new orleans, new york, cape cod, vermont, montreal, japan, china, spain...

16. Who was your last hug?
walley!

17. What's on your mind right now?
medical stuff

18. What is one fear that you can't seem to overcome?
people

19. Are you good at math?
no

20. What's stashed under your bed?
my vintage linens collection. luggage. artwork.

21. Is there anyone you regret ever meeting?
i try to have no regrets, you never know what leads to what.

22. In the opposite sex, where should the piercings be?
don't care.

23. Would you rather have roommates or live alone?
i suck at having roommates. i'm good at living with my significant other only, it seems like.

24. Do you drink iced coffee?
don't know what i would do without it.

25. Do you like to drive?
yes! i miss it so much!

26. What is your favorite thing to wear?
my fur vest at the moment. and i am grateful to my target fleece lined sweatpants, since i can't do buttons very easy right now. and they are very cozy.

27. If you found out that you were going to be a parent, what would you do?
that would be interesting.

28. Do you give money to homeless people when they ask?
no. too much time living in new york.

29. A weekend in Las Vegas or Key West?
i'm sort of obsessed with vegas.

30. Last time you cried?
a little while ago.

31. Have you ever made someone so mad that they broke something?
i'm sure.

32. You have 3 months left to live, what do you do?
spend time with the people i care about, enjoy myself, i guess. ps i really hate this question. who knows, really.

33. You're having a bad day, what's one thing that can make your day better?
the right music. a hug. a carmel macchiato. a glass of whitehaven sauvignon blanc. greg. ali.

34. What's worse: Tanning bed or Sun Rays?
i don't even know what sun rays is. but all fake tanning stuff is weird.

35. Have you ever talked on the phone for 5+ hours?
yes.

36. You wake up in an unfamiliar place, what is your first reaction?
how drunk was i.

37. Is there anything that you should be doing right now?
sadly, not really. that's sort of the problem.

38. If there was a way to know when and how you're going to die, would you want to know?
I don't know.

39. What is your favorite breakfast?
eggs benedict with really good hollandaise. bacon. biscuits. gravy. cheese grits. all that good southern stuff.

40. Your phone rings at 4am, who do you expect it to be?
that hasn't happened in a long time. don't know who i'd expect.

41. Last thing you ate?
dinner last night. udon noodles and peppers and broccoli.

42. are you vegetarian?
no, used to be, for a long time. but i love seafood and bacon.

43. Do you hate anyone?
i don't hate. i get into unpleasant situations, though.

45. Do you have kids?
no. maybe one day?

46. Would you want to date anyone on your top friends?
i am dating one of them.

47. Do you go to school?
no.

48. What's your relationship with the people in your top friends?
they're a pretty rockin' bunch of people. or why else would they be my top friends?

49. Do you have a crush on someone?
yes.

50. Do they know?
i assume, since i've been dating him for more than a year and we live together.

I don’t believe in this

I was just wondering why I've had such an insane year and why I can never make up my mind and why I keep alienating people and why I did all this work to change jobs and then took it make and why I moved three times in three months and why I am driving myself and everyone else crazy and have been all year. Why I don't at all know who I am anymore.

And I was wondering if I was having some sort of weird mid-life crisis and I was thinking about being 28 going on 29 right now, and then I remembered before my last birthday being warned by everyone older then me that 28 was going to be rough and the saturn return thing was not a myth. And I just looked it up on google and it kind of freaked me out.

See below:

"Astrologers call the period between ages twenty-eight and thirty "Saturn Return." That's because it's the first time the planet Saturn completes its cycle through your birth chart and returns to the spot it occupied when you were born. Internationally respected astrologer Rob Hand calls Saturn Return "one of the most important times in your life. . . a time of endings and new beginnings."

For most of us, ending a phase of life that is familiar and embarking on one that is new and untried is unsettling, even painful. Few people describe Saturn Return as a pleasant period. While undergoing your Saturn Return you may find yourself turning inward and reflecting on your individual destiny. You examine your true needs and desires and the role you want to play on the world's stage. You may feel lonely and alienated from those around you, while family and friends think you are shutting them out. But this is a necessary period of consolidation, when you must retreat from the distractions of the outer world and focus on yourself at your most fundamental level.

The first Saturn Return marks the end of youth and the beginning of the productive adult years. It is now that you truly become an adult--not at eighteen or twenty-one. You realize your need to define yourself as an individual within society and to demonstrate what you've learned. This transition into adulthood is often accompanied by a sense of urgency, a feeling that you must try to accomplish everything you've ever wanted or planned to do now. Goals start to come sharply into focus. If you have not settled into a definite career, or have been pursuing one that is inappropriate for you, you'll experience a strong push to establish yourself in a more fulfilling occupation.

Saturn strips away illusions and points out limitations, allowing you to view yourself in a harsh, often unflattering light. At the same time, it endows you with prudence, practicality, and the perseverance to work hard toward achieving your purposes. Consequently, this is a good time to rearrange your career or lay the foundation for a new one.

Saturn Return almost always requires some major adjustments in lifestyle, attitudes, and relationships. Anything you have outgrown, or have tolerated but not found satisfying, must end now or be altered to meet your emerging needs. Often interpersonal relationships are deeply affected by Saturn Return. The U.S. Census Bureau lists the peak divorce years as ages twenty-eight to thirty. Some people experience more subtle or private adjustments in their patterns of relating, such as shifts in responsibilities.

Growth is often accompanied by trepidation and turmoil. As the old self is pushed aside to make room for the new, you may feel weak and vulnerable. You want to move ahead, yet are frustrated by a fear of doing so, torn between a compelling urge to throw off everything connected with your past and an equally frantic need to cling to the familiar rather than brave the great unknown.

Even if your external world seems to be in order, your internal structure may feel as though it's being assaulted with a battering ram. Nervous conditions, irritability, depression, insomnia, and feelings of insecurity are common. Most people go through some sort of identity crisis.

Saturn Return is one of the most crucial turning points you ever experience, when you assume the greatest responsibility of all: responsibility for your own life."

That kind of freaked me out. Seriously. Although I stress that I hate taking any astrology nonsense seriously. Exactly all of those things have precisely happened to me in the exact year.

Whatever shall I do?

10 things that were. Awesome. About today. In list format!

1. That it was 58 degrees! Yay spring.

2. At the library, when I was there returning books and all that normal shit, seeing some random person very closely studying my art work not knowing I was the artist and I was there. Much better than the opening in an artistic way, for me. Although the opening was a wonderful time to see all the people I love and hug them.

3. Walking around town running errands and overhearing some very adorable elderly ladies say about me, "oh to be young and walk that fast." Because I've had so much back and leg pain lately and have been limping so much despite my best efforts. And believe me people, I have been gritting my teeth and digging my nails into my palm in order to walk normally lately. So I really really appreciate moving fast without thinking about it.

4. Drinking wine on my porch and reading a book at twilight. For the first time this year. Even though I had to sit under a blanket because after all it's only March 12th.

5. Having a really nice conversation with g earlier and then cleaning my room majorly and doing a ton of the stuff on my ongoing to do list.

6. Having a reasonably pleasant conversation on the phone with my dad.

7. Not being in the kitchen when one of the light fixtures decided to randomly fall down and smash everywhere for no apparent reason. I like NOT having glass fall on my head.

8. Making another bizarre yet successful meal from leftover food from my opening since I am broke yet have a surplus of chips and crackers and cheese and salsa and cookies.

9. Remembering tonight while playing music in my room how much I love Madonna and Courtney Love.

10. Really really enjoying rereading Kate Atkinson's "Not the End of the World", possibly the best book ever written. Goddamn. To write like that. Man.

If You Haven't Seen Me Lately (Art Notes)...

...it's because I've probably been sitting on the floor of my room gluing things together. Endlessly. I hang this show tomorrow, and that's good, because I am literally going crazy. I think.

I've been spending every night for way too many nights in a row staying up all night in my room sitting on the floor working on this set of paintings.

And this is the most personal work I have ever done ever.

So this is sort of like sitting around ripping open not-so-old, not-very-well healed scars over and over. Photographs, memories. Damn.

And listening to music and drinking wine and crying a lot.

Thanks so much to sarah sam and rin (some of my favoprite people) for picking me up and getting me to leave the house last night. Goth night has never been such a healthy thing. Love you guys very much. Y'all have no idea how much I needed human contact last night.

And thanks to brian tonight for the free wine to get me through one last night of this.

I have no idea if this work is even good. This is the first work I've done in ten years without my built in personal critic in the house. She would have put a stop to work this crazy personal and messy a long time ago.

My room looks insane. There is photographic imagery everywhere. And clothing. And wine bottles. And notes to myself. And jars of gel medium and water. I've been living in my bunny overalls and pink hooded sweatshirt (hood up at all times). Today I got up, excerised, worked for 8 1/2 hours, came home, and went straight to work. Today I have eaten one scone, way to much coffee, the free pistachios from the booth (thank you salt-free parrot), and a piece of cheese. I really need to try to stop and eat dinner. Since it's 12:04am now and all and I'm nowhere near ready for tomorrow.

I think after tonight I need to take a small break from either thinking about me or britney spears for a little while.

What I Need To Know

I have this very small collection of vintage reference/instructional manuals that I keep on my desk. I sort of think of this collection as my rules to life.

I am very selective when it comes to aquireing new volumes. I think everyone knows that I have hundreds of old hilarious books everywhere for the porpose of collage, but these books are special enough that they don't even get cut up. Amazing.

Today in the used book sale at the lovely library I found my next book. So now my rules to life consist of 1) Standard Handbook of Cosmetology, 1977, Livestock Judging Handbook, 1947, And The Good Housekeeping Needlework Encyclopedia, 1947. The Needwork Encoloypedia is the book I purchased today, and it begins with the absolutely charming sentence, "Women will always be interested in neeedlwork." This pleases me more than I can say.

I envision someday having a whole set, covering all sort of varied subject matter. Then I will know everything I need to know. What will the next be I wonder?

I love the weird used book sale at the library. Besides that gem of a needlework encyclopedia, I also took home a very strange Japanese English dictionary, a copy of by Nicholson Baker, and a copy of The Will To Change by Adrienne Rich in hardcover. All for only $5! Yay.

Can you tell from this entry that I have a show to hang on Thursday? And have 10 paintings in various stages of completion sitting around my room looking at me accusingly? And that Ive been up all night for the past two nights sitting on the floor cutting and gluing and painting over things? And naming. The naming is also important.

Back to work, lizzy.

random favorite things

Because I have a weird OCD tendency to want to list things, yes. This nonsense below. Things that make life awesome. Are:

Some of my favorite books: Haruki Murakami, "The Wind-up Bird Chronicles," A.S. Byatt, "Little Black Book of Short Stories," Zadie Smith, The Autograph Man," Kate Atkinson, Not the End of the World," Iris Murdoch, "A Word Child", Poppy Z. Brite, "Liquor".

And,
some IMAGES:
1. noodles
2. chicken legs
3. eggs
4. deserts
5. cities

FOODS:
1. hummus
2. saag paneer
3. scallops
4. sushi
5. mashed potatoes

That's all. That's just what I've been thinking about. For whatever reason.

AND,

I love Tom Waits, Britney Spears, and Bjork a lot. And I'd like to visit Toyko, Bombay, Iceland, Morroco, and Prague.

Why do I think and write these things? I do not know.

Tomatoes, mittens, wool blankets, and snow.

I should write more. I know that using my myspace blog for self-improvement is kind of retarded, but I need to write things down, somewhere. So I can stop telling elaborate descriptions of things to myself in my head while I walk for three hours in the cold freezing my hands.

I am having this day of extreme ups and downs. I woke up so happy it was unbelievable. Actually, I also went to sleep that happy. That keeps happening lately. So my lows today weren't even real, I don't think. Just the product of overstimulation and twelve hours of drunkeness and bacon and sausage and french fries and creamed chipped beef. And having an astonishingly good time. And then coming home to a very silent, very grey day.

I am pretty content. But keep feeling melancholy at the same time.

Probably tired, and needing to eat more vegetables.

And melancholy for me always makes me notice details with great clarity. There was a day last week where I still felt so weak and unlike myself from being sick, and hearing Leonard Cohen's Famous Blue Raincoat at Haymarket changed the whole sense of the day for me.

And today: the surprisingly summer-like taste of a january tomato that shouldn't have tasted that good; the snugglyness of my new mittens on sale at jc penney for $3.29 and put immeadiately on my frozen fingers; the warmth underneath my favorite wool blanket; gold nail polish on sale at target; the beginnings of snow; and the pleasant surprise of a phone call while driving stupidly lost on a highway in the snow. And a date at Stop & Shop. Yes.