...frustrating, because i am trying so hard to make the most that i can out of all this free time, and i feel like theoretically i should be able to make my work one-handedly and i can but not much, only for really limited amounts at a time, and damn it, the thing is that it's super hard for me to get to the place where stuff works right for me, and so all night i built up to it, and hey, it's midnight and i have no work or plans tomorrow and my boyfriend is out of town and we already said goodnight on the phone and i'm in my room and the music is right and my room is right and and all my materials are right and i've had the right amount of time playing in my sketchbook and i've reached that very elusive place where i can see the connections between images so effortlessly and it is so hard to get here and every time i look around the room there is something on the floor that should be glued to something else and i shouldn't do anything that involves moment right now at all. because i really can't do anything without somewhat employing the good fingers of my left hand, at least to hold things in place, and i sensed on the last thing i did that i was really pushing. and i had some really bad pain trying to get the lid off a gluestick. and for i while i really thought that i popped the tendon again and fucked everything again, i think it's ok but i'm still a little scared because that would be so stupid. anyway i feel all energetic and creative and wide awake except my arm is in a lot of pain and i can feel every inch of the tendon burning and i know it needs to rest. and all this would be fine if i could easily tomorrow just get in a good place to work again but i know i can't always and honestly i haven't felt this much like working in months. mostly i've been looking for any excuse to not work and this certainly is one. although typing this is making me realize that i did use to at least feel like a serious writer and i could do that without hurting myself i think, also i realize that this is such sloppy writing and i use 'super' and 'really' and 'sort of' every two seconds. i should probably not actually post this, as it makes little sense, but what the hell, this is sort of a journal entry anyway, and it's hard for me to write with a pen right now so i might as well record things here.
on an unrelated note, i hate when i say 'it is hard for me to...' because it sounds pathetic, and i keep doing it anyway. note to self: really must stop complaining asap. blah blah blah,
anyway that was my rant. 'night, y'all. i'm gonna go lie on my bed and rest my hand on a pillow like good girl.
at least while i'm going that i can enjoy my pretty pretty glittery snowflake christmas ornaments i giot at the hospice shop today and somehow manage to hang in my window (one of the reasons my hand is so tired).
p.s. sorry the title of this post is so dramatic, i didn't mean it that way, just that my hand is very delicate and most normal things are now dangerous. hey, 'most normal things are now dangerous' would have been a much better title, wouldn't it?
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