maybe I’m not very smart.

Because why are the things I care about most the way certain things taste and the way the air feels on my skin and the grass feels under me feet. why is all that really makes me happy so essentially sense-oriented?

Taste, smell, and the way the air outside feels move more then I can say. Sometimes at night the way the air feels with the wind open wakes me up and I can't breathe I'm so happy. The air driving home tonight. Unspeakably wonderful.

And sometimes it scares me the way I relate to my plants more then I do people.

I think eating raw oysters sitting on the sand by the ocean with someone I love and want makes me happier then anything I could possibly imagine, so really, am i as intellectual as I think I am? I wonder.

three garden menus, & meditations on summer

1. red chard, chicken breast, banana peppers, and fresh thai basil, over black udon noodles.

2. summer squash over basmati rice cooked with butter, white wine, fresh parsley, dill, and thyme, and parmesan cheese.

3. panko fried green tomatoes with sriracha mayonnaise. and leftover cold squash.

and a bouquet of flowers from the garden (pink and red and white, zinnias, dahlias, gerber daiseys, and sweet williams).

I've been lately kind of enjoying these summer nights on my own although I really miss g. Come home from work, water the garden at dusk, cook food I grew myself, drink wine alone in the kitchen and listen to music and read. It's kind of nice. tonight it was perfectly beautiful and pre-summer rain when i was out there. I couldn't think of anyplace I'd rather have been then there in the garden at 8 on a july night, by myself, listening to the wind in the trees and taking care of my plants.

Now I'm frying the tomatoes that came from the branch that broke off my one of my tomato plants this morning, battered with panko bread crumbs and two loose eggs I bought at work and carried home very carefully, cushioned by the bread crumbs.

I am really learning to appreciate solitude. There is something about coming home only to plants that is very satisfying. And I think finally at very nearly 30 I have learned the value in cooking a lovely, complex dinner just for myself.

When Burns left I stopped cooking. And when I started dating greg I cooked for us. But this summer with greg away I've been really enjoying my solo dinners. Maybe I'm just old enough now to really appreciate my own company.

I will...(inspired by beth)

One day I will....

...have an entire summer where all the produce I eat comes from my own garden.
...live where I have the sea outside my window and I hear it when I sleep.
...communicate without using the internet.
...travel in morocco, japan, and iceland, and the rest of the world.
...figure out who my real friends are and manage to spend time with them and not lose touch with them.
...live on a farm in the middle of nowhere and craft like crazy and enjoy open space and yarn and green things.
...fall in love forever.
...spend more time with ali and my parents.
...have sons and daughters who are challenging.
...open a tiny restaurant or cafe or farm stand where all the food is perfect.
...paint, paint, paint.
...stop defending my passions.
...be surrounded by gorgeous plants always.
...swim as much as I want.
...dance regularly.
...not hate my body no matter what.
...own my own beautiful house with views and a garden and a view where I can always go and where my weird thrift object collection can live.
...be able to defend my alone time.
...live on the west coast again.
...travel to gorgeous beaches.
...live in the desert.
...go to las vegas whenever I want.
...spend days and days and days lying on the grass and reading.
...have people truly appreciate my artwork, at least once in a while.
...get more tattoos.
...stop worrying about stupid shit that I know is stupid.
...meet britney spears.
...be in the whitney biennial.
...have lots of dogs and cats.
...and of course a pug.
...learn how to talk to people.
...listen to people's opinions but not care what they think.
...write in my journal everyday and put things in my sketchbook constantly.
...have gallery shows that are perfect to me.
...learn how to open an oyster.
...buy all the stupid, ugly thrift store paintings that I want too. And hang them.
...own and use beautiful professional quality kitchen equipment.
...drink good wine with dinner ever night.
...spend more time on boats.
...love and being loved without fear.