Vulnerability: I hate it.

I am in a very bad mood. Because I had to call out sick from work today due to back pain. I tend not to take these back pain incidents of mine very seriously, since they are usually caused by nothing, and go anyway without me doing much but suffering through it.

Last night I just stepped inside my front door wearing the boots I wear all the time and knew immeadiately something was wrong. And it was definitely still wrong this morning.

I had every intention of going to work anyway, because I HATE TO ADMIT DEFEAT. The thought that I really CAN'T do something makes no sense to my brain.

But I got up, and I made it out to vote on foot, and it was pretty crazy because I was limping really bad and had to walk so slow it took me almost an hour to make to the polling place (someplace I could ordinarily reach in about ten minutes) and I was still planning on going to work until I was getting ready in my room and I had been standing still in front of the mirror and I went to take a step and I screamed involuntarily. And then had a really hard time making it the three steps to pick up my bag.

Ok. Don't know how I'm going to be standing on my feet all day and bagging groceries if I can't PICK UP MY BAG. This was clearly obvious from the moment I got out of bed and limped my way into the shower, yet it took me THREE HOURS of being in serious pain and walking around as if I wasn't to believe it.

Why is it so hard for me to take care of myself?
Guilt. Refusal to admit defeat. Some degree of embaressment over having a stupid pain thing affect me. Because someone joked about back pain making me old last night. Because being physically strong is very important to me.

And I know,
because I will feel better later today, because the only thing I can do for this kind of pain is rest, that when I feel better I will feel even more guilty over having given in, because I'll make sure I don't remember that this rest really was necessary.

And beat myself up over how I should have just gone to work. When really, I couldn't. I would habe prefered to have. Because now I feel bored and displeased with myself and out of my body and restless.

I'm going to try to enjoy being in my bed and reading about ten of my favorite novels and wearing my pajamas and a stolen orange t-shirt that still kind of smells like someone and listening to a lot of music. And remembering that this sort of pain is all psychic and stress related and that being nice to myself is something that I need to do ocasionally or I will be unable to walk.

Hmm. Why?

How come? Since this is gonna be a work day and I'm gonna paint and be messy I've decided not to shower until later. And just wear my jeans and risd sweatershirt and crazy hair. And yet. I still put all my elaborate eye makeup on. Why is that. Oh well. I do sort of get into a performative mode when I paint. Maybe I should start actually dressing up too. Wig. Feather boa. Prom dress. Heels. Why not. Even if I am just going to be alone in my room with glue. Haha.

10 things.

10 amazing things from this weekend (so far).

ten cent coffee because it's "late."
what pump you at.
the insane rhyme and narrative structure of contemporary country music.
"emotion is energy in motion."
green milk from the planet orange.
really good ways to start the way.
what sunshine said.
strange flavor everything.
the las vegas restaurant.
red means stop and green means go.

from this weekend SO FAR. And it's only sunday at 1:18pm.

This will only be interesting to me, I think.

damn, I don't know if it's having four days off in a row or what (have I mentioned to any of you yet how amazing this is? once or twice?), but I am in a really good mood. Drinking coffee and reading and writing in the early afternoon after waking up late on a sunday. And I think I'm in one of those modes where I can finish a whole painting in one day.

I love late fall...
at least sunny chilly sunday afternoon when I don't have to work...
sleep late, wake up pleasantly, walk to stop & shop for coffee, read and write and hang out in my room, go for a walk, and then just when it's dusk head home and have a glass of wine and start looking at my collage materials and get to work.
While I really generally crave sushine in life, I paint best at night, so these short fall days where I sleep late and it's dark at five work out really well for me painting. They suck for pretty much everything else, but for painting? Perfect. Since I can't ever really get started until it's about dark....
I don't know, and there's just something I really really like about waking on these late fall afternoons with the gorgeous light and heading home around five kind of chilly and making art for the evening. Sort of my ideal work scenario...especially after two previous days off of fun and hijinks. Yeah.
Oh and I saw some art work I liked yesterday and some other things that were visually stimulating. It kind of felt like a collage of a day. So my brain is already doing the thing where I'm putting together visual puzzles and connections even while I sit and write this.
Yeah. Most boring blog ever. To anyone but me. Sorry. But I've had fun. That was kind of like a college exercise where you verbalize your motivation or your process or whatever. Yay me. I've been verbalized.