This week, tuesday night I think, I joined an online dating site totally against my better judgment out of a combination of curiosity and a genuine interest in finding some people somewhere on earth who do not and never have worked at whole foods, and do not know nor have slept with any of my friends. I made a profile and someone emailed me right away, and I messaged him back, but then got distracted by something else I was doing, and and let that conversation trail off.
On wednesday night what I was planning on doing didn't work out, (it's a bit of another story, but I was doing tuesday night and what I meant to be doing wednesday night-I'll try to get back to that at the end) so I emailed the guy from the previous night out of boredom and frustration with something else who decided after iming for about five minutes that he wanted to drive to my house from two hours away at 2am, which for some reason (I'm going to stop right that now-please feel free to insert "for some reason" in any part of the story as you see fit, my reasoning here is frequently unclear, even to me) I agreed to, then he stayed at my apartment through the next afternoon at which point I agreed to go to northern vermont to the top of a mountain with a complete stranger (bad decision making) and we did go to vermont to his friends' cabin (which in reality was this giant insane house in some ski resort for the ultra rich) and then I came home on friday and somehow managed to not be kidnapped or murdered.
(high point of the whole experience: outdoor hot tub at midnight in the snow)
(I texted two friends on the way to vermont and they were both like "why. are. you. doing. that. what. is. wrong. with. you.)
So it all worked out fine, except
1. I don't normally spent 36 hours with someone I'll probably never see again, and I don't necessarily want to see this person again, but it's not how my heart operates so I feel strange about it.
2. The entire time I felt like I was in a movie, and was playing a part, and I was definitely self editing and not being myself.
3. I just feel kind of depressed about the whole thing....one one hand I was trying to step outside of my comfort zone and take chances, but on the other hand, it made me tired, a bit, and I cannot say enough times how I was not being myself.
Most of the 36 hours this was going on I felt pretty neutral about the random internet guy himself, like I wasn't sure if I thought he was cute, or if we had enough in common, and I was pretty ok with him leaving at anytime, but I thought the experience itself was good for me, because I was spending time with someone new and it was distracting me from some other stuff I'd been worrying about, and vermont really was fun, and was an experience that I wouldn't have got to have otherwise
(standing in the snow in my underwear completely warm with my hair frozen and steam blowing everywhere)
but I was still kind of distanced the whole time but then when he left I felt sad.
But do I really want that guy back, or was it just the company I liked?
(the other thing, that I was doing tuesday and wanted to do wednesday, is this whole other story that involves these semi-romantic letters with this old friend. How I feel about those letters is a whole other complication in my heart.)
Another good thing about the whole experience: at one point (actually in the hot tub in the snow which would be a good scene if my life were indeed a movie) internet guy said, "you're very beautiful and you're smart and funny, and you don't put yourself out there as if you know this at all."
True. Something to think about.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
hopeless romanticism brought to you by the snowstorm
I've been thinking about dating, about people, about relationships, and how sometimes I don't want to be alone and I wonder if my standards are too high, but then why can't I expect to be with someone whose just perfect?
Is perfect too much to ask?
Or should I just accept "well this is ok."
In the past couple of years, starting from "well this is ok," was pleasant but not mindblowing, at least not in the beginning, but then led to a lovely two year relationship and we are still friends.
Then I had something that did seem perfect and mindblowing, and we dated for like a month, had a horrible horrible messy heart breaking breakup and he got me fired and we'll probably never speak again.
So maybe I should be looking for people who AREN'T like me?
What do I mean by "like me"?
just how some with people you get this "this person is like me" feeling...it's both a visual and an emotional feeling, like you feel like the person would just fit into your life without any effort, not like they were exactly the same person and they couldn't bring anything to you, but like if you saw them in your room it would make sense and you knew you could play music and they'd probably like it and you could recommend books for them and it would probably work out and you wouldn't worry too much before cooking them dinner or suggesting an activity for the first time.
Someone who in your minds eye just "looks right," and that has nothing to do with attractiveness.
I can't explain it anymore than that.
I want to be open to people and not just hung up on this idea in my head, but on the other hand, I when I feel like I'm compromising I get bored and frustrated and spend my life daydreaming in my head.
I was feeling all of those "soulmate?" type feelings about my most recent completely horrible dating situation, and it just ended so so so badly that I really don't know what to think.
There's some other stuff going on to that I'll get to in the next post that's also part of the reason I'm thinking all this stuff.
I'm snowed in with a fresh french press of coffee, so what better time to contemplate these questions...plus being snowed in reminds me that I'd rather be snowed in with that person whose "just right."
I know, I know, I should go buy a copy of glamour or something. I'm sure there is a trashy women's magazine out there that can solve this problem for me.
(apologies for this "single girl" post-I'll get back less sex and the city content shortly, it's just been a weird couple of days, weeks, months, etc.)
Is perfect too much to ask?
Or should I just accept "well this is ok."
In the past couple of years, starting from "well this is ok," was pleasant but not mindblowing, at least not in the beginning, but then led to a lovely two year relationship and we are still friends.
Then I had something that did seem perfect and mindblowing, and we dated for like a month, had a horrible horrible messy heart breaking breakup and he got me fired and we'll probably never speak again.
So maybe I should be looking for people who AREN'T like me?
What do I mean by "like me"?
just how some with people you get this "this person is like me" feeling...it's both a visual and an emotional feeling, like you feel like the person would just fit into your life without any effort, not like they were exactly the same person and they couldn't bring anything to you, but like if you saw them in your room it would make sense and you knew you could play music and they'd probably like it and you could recommend books for them and it would probably work out and you wouldn't worry too much before cooking them dinner or suggesting an activity for the first time.
Someone who in your minds eye just "looks right," and that has nothing to do with attractiveness.
I can't explain it anymore than that.
I want to be open to people and not just hung up on this idea in my head, but on the other hand, I when I feel like I'm compromising I get bored and frustrated and spend my life daydreaming in my head.
I was feeling all of those "soulmate?" type feelings about my most recent completely horrible dating situation, and it just ended so so so badly that I really don't know what to think.
There's some other stuff going on to that I'll get to in the next post that's also part of the reason I'm thinking all this stuff.
I'm snowed in with a fresh french press of coffee, so what better time to contemplate these questions...plus being snowed in reminds me that I'd rather be snowed in with that person whose "just right."
I know, I know, I should go buy a copy of glamour or something. I'm sure there is a trashy women's magazine out there that can solve this problem for me.
(apologies for this "single girl" post-I'll get back less sex and the city content shortly, it's just been a weird couple of days, weeks, months, etc.)
Friday, January 9, 2009
more on my endlessly fascinating buffy analogy...
I just took an internet buffy personality quiz and it turns out that I am glory! Glory!
THAT MAKES TOTAL SENSE.
Now I have to go rethink everything...
(the internet has done a lot for me lately)
THAT MAKES TOTAL SENSE.
Now I have to go rethink everything...
(the internet has done a lot for me lately)
Monday, January 5, 2009
being new age & trying to be positive
I was just walking around thinking about stuff (I think best in motion) and I was making this list in my head of all the things which are good and make me happy right now...I think maybe I'm being unnecessarily negative about this situation, it was only a job, it wasn't me, and the people who hurt me are people that I didn't even know a year ago, so they turned out to be assholes, who are they to me really?
Definitely life could be worse. This is not all misery. I think if I can manage to step back from this situation, I see a lot of good things in this particular period of my life, although it is a difficult one.
Anyway, here's my list: this is what makes me happy right now:
Writing letters, my apartment, especially when I first walk in the door after being away all day, all my lovely plants, writing in my journal, gluing things into my journal, doing yoga in my room in the morning, my nautical bathroom, reading books, venturing out in the freezing cold and finding a hot chocolate and a cookie somewhere delicious, cooking myself little meals in my delightful kitchen, dustyrose, late night walks under the moon, scarves, gloves, hats, mittens, socks, and tights, my several pairs of awesome boots, really hot showers, my friends here whom I haven't distanced myself from, spending time with new people and rediscovering old ones because I have distanced myself from so many, painting, listening to the itunes shuffle and dancing alone, laying on the floor on a cushion and reading my subscriptions to food magazines, driving around and listening to music, udon noodles, wearing cute outfits even though I have nowhere to really go, toast, all my stuff that I've collected, being open to lots of possibilities and an unknown future, eating breakfast sandwiches and people watching, coffee, tea, wine, and beer, appreciating good lighting and beautiful sunsets, being on a difficult path and accepting it, reading tarot cards, being scared but no longer feeling trapped, realizing that I have successfully lived alone for three months for the first time since I was 18, and now I'm doing it with no job too, chickpea curries and sandwiches with hot sauce, reminding myself that "unemployed artist" is a way cooler occupation then "whole foods assistant customer service team leader," being a fulltime rock star rather than rock star/grocery clerk, being forced into a lot of solitude and liking myself better mostly for it, crocheting, taking a lot of stupid self portraits with my borrowed camera, poetry, conceiving of art exhibits, and certain unexpected friendships.
Definitely life could be worse. This is not all misery. I think if I can manage to step back from this situation, I see a lot of good things in this particular period of my life, although it is a difficult one.
Anyway, here's my list: this is what makes me happy right now:
Writing letters, my apartment, especially when I first walk in the door after being away all day, all my lovely plants, writing in my journal, gluing things into my journal, doing yoga in my room in the morning, my nautical bathroom, reading books, venturing out in the freezing cold and finding a hot chocolate and a cookie somewhere delicious, cooking myself little meals in my delightful kitchen, dustyrose, late night walks under the moon, scarves, gloves, hats, mittens, socks, and tights, my several pairs of awesome boots, really hot showers, my friends here whom I haven't distanced myself from, spending time with new people and rediscovering old ones because I have distanced myself from so many, painting, listening to the itunes shuffle and dancing alone, laying on the floor on a cushion and reading my subscriptions to food magazines, driving around and listening to music, udon noodles, wearing cute outfits even though I have nowhere to really go, toast, all my stuff that I've collected, being open to lots of possibilities and an unknown future, eating breakfast sandwiches and people watching, coffee, tea, wine, and beer, appreciating good lighting and beautiful sunsets, being on a difficult path and accepting it, reading tarot cards, being scared but no longer feeling trapped, realizing that I have successfully lived alone for three months for the first time since I was 18, and now I'm doing it with no job too, chickpea curries and sandwiches with hot sauce, reminding myself that "unemployed artist" is a way cooler occupation then "whole foods assistant customer service team leader," being a fulltime rock star rather than rock star/grocery clerk, being forced into a lot of solitude and liking myself better mostly for it, crocheting, taking a lot of stupid self portraits with my borrowed camera, poetry, conceiving of art exhibits, and certain unexpected friendships.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Is this possible?
Have I mentioned? That whole foods broke my heart way worse than a person ever could? wtf?
When I was Fired From Whole Foods For Totally Sketchy Reasons
Oh, whole foods.
In 3 1/2 years I've never had a single warning. I was a customer service assistant team leader, had just had an excellent job dialogue with no complaints, then two days before christmas I was pulled off the floor, interviewed by the store team leader and a regional person for almost two hours exclusively about my personal life, then suspended for seven days without pay, then fired. This is what is says on my separation agreement:"Liz was not truthful and forthcoming during the course of an investigation which is in violation of our team member investigation policy." That's all it says. I'm ineligible for rehire ever, due to "major policy infraction."
However, it is "against whole foods policy" to tell me what I was being investigated for, or to tell me what they think I lied about. And my team leader was never informed, questioned, and she still doesn't know why they fired me.
The way I was fired was completely psychologically messed up and hurtful...
Seriously what the fuck is up with firing people over christmas and new years, it's like they want to kill santa claus...
...you don't really understand corporate america until you've been personally "investigated" by whole foods. that's some fucked up shit.
"oh you were in a car accident, was it on purpose for attention? oh, when he broke up with you, that must have made you upset. surely if you were experiencing physical violence in your personal life, that must have affected your job performances. "
I am not kidding.
The back story. I was an assistant team leader in customer service. Back in october I was dating one of my cashiers.
So with this person, there had been months of us denying that we liked each other. to ourselves, even.
We met when I came back to work after my long workers comp injury period november 07- february 08 (yes I also have a permanent physical injury from the company that fired me, and I signed a paper saying I'd never sue over the injury in order to keep my job).
I had a boyfriend of two years at the time who I lived with. And I was his boss. We both denied this like crazy, it was all flirty facebook comments like crazy and staring at each other at work. We both apparently constantly denied to our friends that we liked the other person. I did, and I've heard he did the same, "of course I don't like liz, you're crazy...she's my boss and has a boyfriend but isn't she great?"
Then we started hanging out outside of work as friends. JUST FRIENDS, that whole denial thing, but we believed it at the time.
While I was still luiving with my boyfriend.
Then we started talking how we maybe had feelings for each other.
But neither of us wanted to do the work secretive thing.
Then there was some ambiguous shit, like sleeping in the same bed but not having sex and creating all these stupid piontless boundaries...we can make out, but not do this, etc.
then he looked for and found, a job in a different department, which is all whole foods requires in these situations.
then we broke up. unfortunately he also had this totally weird intense relationship with his best friend and roommate which complicated everything.
She and I were really good friends, and I really trusted her. She worked just under me in my department and became a supervisor with my help while he and I were dating. and when we broke up she turned on me, and told him I was going to get her fired because he and I had broken up, which is entirely untrue because I really really valued her friendship, and in a lot of ways the way she was acting hurt me more than the way he was, because when you get romantic with someone, you are signing yourself up for some degree of eventual heartache, but you want your friends to just support you, no matter what.
(and in retrospect, when he and we dating we were always all astonished by how similar we were, but she and were equally alike, and I don't know, it was fucked up situation).
No one's fault, necessarily, but it was really like I was dating them both.
One of them complained about me, I don't know which one, and as I've said whole foods refused to tell me, but my interview during the investigation included a lot of personal stuff that only he could have told them, and a lot of questions about my relationship with her.
And I was questioned a lot about a particular incident with her where she accused me of trying to get her fired at work, and which another employee witnessed, and they refused to interview that employee, even though my team leader told them they really needed to.
At the end of this I know nothing.
Other than after three an a half years I lost my job that I had really worked for and put my whole soul into totally out of the blue.
But my heart is broken, by everyone.
Hopefully having written this out helps me in some way.
I don't know, I was suspended on december 23rd and fired on december 3oth, and I still can't stop crying.
In 3 1/2 years I've never had a single warning. I was a customer service assistant team leader, had just had an excellent job dialogue with no complaints, then two days before christmas I was pulled off the floor, interviewed by the store team leader and a regional person for almost two hours exclusively about my personal life, then suspended for seven days without pay, then fired. This is what is says on my separation agreement:"Liz was not truthful and forthcoming during the course of an investigation which is in violation of our team member investigation policy." That's all it says. I'm ineligible for rehire ever, due to "major policy infraction."
However, it is "against whole foods policy" to tell me what I was being investigated for, or to tell me what they think I lied about. And my team leader was never informed, questioned, and she still doesn't know why they fired me.
The way I was fired was completely psychologically messed up and hurtful...
Seriously what the fuck is up with firing people over christmas and new years, it's like they want to kill santa claus...
...you don't really understand corporate america until you've been personally "investigated" by whole foods. that's some fucked up shit.
"oh you were in a car accident, was it on purpose for attention? oh, when he broke up with you, that must have made you upset. surely if you were experiencing physical violence in your personal life, that must have affected your job performances. "
I am not kidding.
The back story. I was an assistant team leader in customer service. Back in october I was dating one of my cashiers.
So with this person, there had been months of us denying that we liked each other. to ourselves, even.
We met when I came back to work after my long workers comp injury period november 07- february 08 (yes I also have a permanent physical injury from the company that fired me, and I signed a paper saying I'd never sue over the injury in order to keep my job).
I had a boyfriend of two years at the time who I lived with. And I was his boss. We both denied this like crazy, it was all flirty facebook comments like crazy and staring at each other at work. We both apparently constantly denied to our friends that we liked the other person. I did, and I've heard he did the same, "of course I don't like liz, you're crazy...she's my boss and has a boyfriend but isn't she great?"
Then we started hanging out outside of work as friends. JUST FRIENDS, that whole denial thing, but we believed it at the time.
While I was still luiving with my boyfriend.
Then we started talking how we maybe had feelings for each other.
But neither of us wanted to do the work secretive thing.
Then there was some ambiguous shit, like sleeping in the same bed but not having sex and creating all these stupid piontless boundaries...we can make out, but not do this, etc.
then he looked for and found, a job in a different department, which is all whole foods requires in these situations.
then we broke up. unfortunately he also had this totally weird intense relationship with his best friend and roommate which complicated everything.
She and I were really good friends, and I really trusted her. She worked just under me in my department and became a supervisor with my help while he and I were dating. and when we broke up she turned on me, and told him I was going to get her fired because he and I had broken up, which is entirely untrue because I really really valued her friendship, and in a lot of ways the way she was acting hurt me more than the way he was, because when you get romantic with someone, you are signing yourself up for some degree of eventual heartache, but you want your friends to just support you, no matter what.
(and in retrospect, when he and we dating we were always all astonished by how similar we were, but she and were equally alike, and I don't know, it was fucked up situation).
No one's fault, necessarily, but it was really like I was dating them both.
One of them complained about me, I don't know which one, and as I've said whole foods refused to tell me, but my interview during the investigation included a lot of personal stuff that only he could have told them, and a lot of questions about my relationship with her.
And I was questioned a lot about a particular incident with her where she accused me of trying to get her fired at work, and which another employee witnessed, and they refused to interview that employee, even though my team leader told them they really needed to.
At the end of this I know nothing.
Other than after three an a half years I lost my job that I had really worked for and put my whole soul into totally out of the blue.
But my heart is broken, by everyone.
Hopefully having written this out helps me in some way.
I don't know, I was suspended on december 23rd and fired on december 3oth, and I still can't stop crying.
pop culture reference sunday!
I was recently fired from my job of three and a half years under totally ridiculous circumstances, and I haven't written about it much because I'm still in total shock and distress,
(whole foods related post traumatic stress disorder) but I did realize something totally hilarious today.
I was fired under very confusing circumstances, but it seems like two people I know, one my exboyfriend and one his best friend and roommate and formerly my very good friend, were at least on some level responsible.
I'm not blaming people. I wasn't really told why I was fired. But I've heard the rumors. And these people don't seem to want to deny them. I wish they would. It would be easier to be betrayed by a horrible corporation than by two of my best friends.
Very long story that should go in a separate post.
It's complicated because it's just a huge awkward mess involving lots of people who are friends, or sleeping together, and lots of drama and hating and ridiculousness.
However, especially since I don't think very many of my real life friends know about this blog, and I'm fairly sure none of the people involved do, this is actually a good forum to discuss it.
STAY TUNED FOR THE STORY OF HOW I WAS FIRED FROM WHOLE FOODS.
Anyway. Back to our original subject:
I realized at a moment of pure pop culture brilliance that the girl who may or may not have gotten me fired is exactly the character faith from buffy the vampire slayer. Because she does a lot of really bad shit and must be stopped from hurting people, but is still a sympathetic character because she's so crazy and fucked up that you can see how she has no choice but to do these things. She's evil in a sexy awesome kind of way, but you still know that buffy has to eventually stop her, even though she kind of understands her.
And I'm am buffy in the sense that obviously I make terrible relationship decisions (exboyfriend choosing to get me fired). But look at buffy...angel, riley, spike...
And the exboyfriend is angel after he lost his soul. Because he turned into a totally different person out of the blue, and went from someone I felt like I'd always want in my life on some level to someone who would get me fired out of spite.
Ok, I know this whole post is lame. I've had a rough week, and figuring out that buffy analogy really cheered me up.
Isn't that the point of having blog though, that I can share these totally pointless yet amusing to me observations?
(whole foods related post traumatic stress disorder) but I did realize something totally hilarious today.
I was fired under very confusing circumstances, but it seems like two people I know, one my exboyfriend and one his best friend and roommate and formerly my very good friend, were at least on some level responsible.
I'm not blaming people. I wasn't really told why I was fired. But I've heard the rumors. And these people don't seem to want to deny them. I wish they would. It would be easier to be betrayed by a horrible corporation than by two of my best friends.
Very long story that should go in a separate post.
It's complicated because it's just a huge awkward mess involving lots of people who are friends, or sleeping together, and lots of drama and hating and ridiculousness.
However, especially since I don't think very many of my real life friends know about this blog, and I'm fairly sure none of the people involved do, this is actually a good forum to discuss it.
STAY TUNED FOR THE STORY OF HOW I WAS FIRED FROM WHOLE FOODS.
Anyway. Back to our original subject:
I realized at a moment of pure pop culture brilliance that the girl who may or may not have gotten me fired is exactly the character faith from buffy the vampire slayer. Because she does a lot of really bad shit and must be stopped from hurting people, but is still a sympathetic character because she's so crazy and fucked up that you can see how she has no choice but to do these things. She's evil in a sexy awesome kind of way, but you still know that buffy has to eventually stop her, even though she kind of understands her.
And I'm am buffy in the sense that obviously I make terrible relationship decisions (exboyfriend choosing to get me fired). But look at buffy...angel, riley, spike...
And the exboyfriend is angel after he lost his soul. Because he turned into a totally different person out of the blue, and went from someone I felt like I'd always want in my life on some level to someone who would get me fired out of spite.
Ok, I know this whole post is lame. I've had a rough week, and figuring out that buffy analogy really cheered me up.
Isn't that the point of having blog though, that I can share these totally pointless yet amusing to me observations?
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