more from my apartment tonight

I don't why, but ani's really nice tonight.
Two quotes from "knuckle Down" which I generally think is just a terrible album, and I've never really listened to, I can't stop playing over and over again. Again, it's probably been ten years since I seriously listened to ani difranco. But I guess I made the correct random choice tonight.
"come home and my guitar
has nothin to say to me
i recoil from all my friends
and then i'm in misery
been so long since i've been held
really since i was his
probably just need to be held
that's probably all it is"
-ani, "recoil"
"but you can't will yourself happy
you can't will your cunt wet
you can't keep standing at the station
pretending you're being met
you can't wear a sign that says 'yours'
when that ain't what you get"
-ani, "callous"
....other little things about tonight...I've been reading Julia Child's memoir, "My Life In France, " and that's making me incredibly happy. And she didn't learn to cook at all until she was 36, so maybe there is serious hope for me. Maybe I will have my restaurant someday. And she found the love of her life in her late 30's, and they lived happily ever after, complete with delicious food, so again, hope...
...I found a completely brand new "clear head" candle from whole foods in the bathroom that I had forgotten I had and that's making the apartment much better...
...last night I stayed up late reading and working in my sketchbook, not messing around pointlessly on the internet and I think it might happen again tonight...(except then why am I writing in this blog?)
...even though it's late I just did some yoga, and now I feel bendy and calmer...
...my tarot card for tonight was the Hawk, Messenger, "do not let your emotions cloud your perceptions. Examine your life from a higher perspective." When don't I let my emotions cloud my perceptions...hmmm.

in my space

It's weird, I like this guy, the one who came to visit today, we had a nice day, and spent some quiet time drinking coffee and reading at bart's and later sitting in the whately diner looking out at the beautiful snowy dusk eating french fries and talking about country music, and he had his own fries but was using my ketchup which I thought was cute, and we drove around in his truck in the snow which I love, and lately he's really felt like my friend, but every time he's here, as soon as he leaves I feel compelled to clean and clean the apartment and get rid of every trace of him.
When he left tonight I first took a long walk in the snow, because I needed fresh air so much...and when I got back to the apartment I meant to do some other stuff but like I had no choice in the matter I immediately started rinsing out ashtrays and picking up glasses and changed my sheets and lit candles and am about to take a shower. I was thinking of cooking something even though I'm not hungry just so the apartment won't smell like him anymore.
...and I'm listening to old ani difranco for some reason, which I almost never do anymore....I think it's going to be sleater-kinney next, too.
When I was with e., he'd also manage to trash my entire apartment every time he spent the night, but I'd kind of enjoy finding the reminders of his presence the next day. Same with when g. and I first started dating. The time he left my bed full of lucky charms I thought it was adorable.
But now it's like I want to erase any hint this guy was ever here, and just get my home back to the way it was when I woke up this morning.
Again, I do like him, so I don't know what this physical aversion to him in my personal space is about.
Maybe it has nothing to do with him and this all has something to do with the boundaries I need right now in life. Like I just don't want boys in my space and that's that.
I don't know, I still feel like if it was the right boy, I wouldn't mind if my sheets smelled like him, but maybe I'm wrong.