instead of going to a funeral today (I wanted to and I couldn't)...
...I...
went to work and did a good job.
bought two for the price of one (she would have appreciated that) rose bushes and planted one in the yard, one to be planted on my day off wednesday after I think about the arrangement of things in the yard. I planted the one I got for free for gramma bess, because she liked bargains.
took my walk on the bike trail and thought about stuff.
got my fourth tattoo, the beautiful mermaid lady rin drew for me. and that was a good experience all around. And I met my goal of getting a tattoo created by someone I care about before I turn thirty, and it is perfect.
walked home from downtown with my crazy post-tattoo bandage and went to stop & shop for supplies.
talked to father about funeral.
made and labeled and froze three containers of pesto from stuff from my garden so I can eat summer things in winter. Two traditional basil, one spicy cilantro. I love the spicy cilantro one a lot. And all from garden things.
Am cooking myself a special dinner, a sort of ragu/stewy thing of steak tips sauted in olive oil, butter, a bottle of red wine, garlic and shallots and a jalapeno, with summer squash from ali, purple carrots from the noho farmers market, and red chard, rosemary, broccoli, and tomatoes from my garden thrown in. Simmered on the stove for a while, then served over leftover cold white basmati rice I think.
That where I am now, writing this while the summer stew simmers.
I'll probably eat while watching bad reality tv from the tivo (I love Money) which isn't very meaningful so I don't know where fits in, but whatever, take care of my tattoo, talk to greg, and read some of the poetry which was waiting for me from amazon when I got home from nyc yesterday (A Doorless Knocking Into Night, by Lexi Rudnitsky and Actual Air by David Berman).
And write the more secret details of the day into my journal.
Like the anger. And the guilt. And sorrow. That accompanies all of this.
Right now, I appreciate Greg, who told me to plant flowers when I couldn't go to the funeral, and that that would be ok. Beth, for giving me a second chance and having dinner with me last week. Rin, for drawing me this beautiful tattoo, and for being himself. Sarah K, for being there when I lost it at work last week, and for hugging me. And because she writes on facebook about quiche. Emerald for being tough and awesome and fighting through this. And my other gramma, because she ate raw oysters with me on cape cod last week, and because she understands parts of me that noone else does. And for gramma bess, because she loved us so much, even though she never understood us for a second. But she took us to diners, and bought all our school clothes, even though they were hideous, and let us watch tv endlessly and eat ice sandwiches and mcdonalds, and took us all out to breakfast every saturday and brought us cold cuts and knishes from sal's deli every friday, along with crazy muffins from stop & shop, pink strawberry and green pistachio, and made the best tuna fish possible on this earth, served on little dinner rolls, and wonderful brisket and chop suey and matzo ball soup, and bought me all these my little ponies and my little pony accessories like this weird robe and crown when ali was in the hospital and I stayed at her house when I was in kindergarten, and played cards with the ladies and had so many friends, and such an awesome taste in home decorating, and she loved me, and I wish I'd gotten a chance to say goodbye.
I don't know where that came from. That's not where I was going with this at all.
I think, I'm turning thirty in slightly more then a month, and someone who always took care of me as a child just died on saturday, and I'm trying to grow up, and I'm trying to do that by being present, and this is what I did today to take care of myself.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Sunday, July 13, 2008
maybe I’m not very smart.
Because why are the things I care about most the way certain things taste and the way the air feels on my skin and the grass feels under me feet. why is all that really makes me happy so essentially sense-oriented?
Taste, smell, and the way the air outside feels move more then I can say. Sometimes at night the way the air feels with the wind open wakes me up and I can't breathe I'm so happy. The air driving home tonight. Unspeakably wonderful.
And sometimes it scares me the way I relate to my plants more then I do people.
I think eating raw oysters sitting on the sand by the ocean with someone I love and want makes me happier then anything I could possibly imagine, so really, am i as intellectual as I think I am? I wonder.
Taste, smell, and the way the air outside feels move more then I can say. Sometimes at night the way the air feels with the wind open wakes me up and I can't breathe I'm so happy. The air driving home tonight. Unspeakably wonderful.
And sometimes it scares me the way I relate to my plants more then I do people.
I think eating raw oysters sitting on the sand by the ocean with someone I love and want makes me happier then anything I could possibly imagine, so really, am i as intellectual as I think I am? I wonder.
three garden menus, & meditations on summer
1. red chard, chicken breast, banana peppers, and fresh thai basil, over black udon noodles.
2. summer squash over basmati rice cooked with butter, white wine, fresh parsley, dill, and thyme, and parmesan cheese.
3. panko fried green tomatoes with sriracha mayonnaise. and leftover cold squash.
and a bouquet of flowers from the garden (pink and red and white, zinnias, dahlias, gerber daiseys, and sweet williams).
I've been lately kind of enjoying these summer nights on my own although I really miss g. Come home from work, water the garden at dusk, cook food I grew myself, drink wine alone in the kitchen and listen to music and read. It's kind of nice. tonight it was perfectly beautiful and pre-summer rain when i was out there. I couldn't think of anyplace I'd rather have been then there in the garden at 8 on a july night, by myself, listening to the wind in the trees and taking care of my plants.
Now I'm frying the tomatoes that came from the branch that broke off my one of my tomato plants this morning, battered with panko bread crumbs and two loose eggs I bought at work and carried home very carefully, cushioned by the bread crumbs.
I am really learning to appreciate solitude. There is something about coming home only to plants that is very satisfying. And I think finally at very nearly 30 I have learned the value in cooking a lovely, complex dinner just for myself.
When Burns left I stopped cooking. And when I started dating greg I cooked for us. But this summer with greg away I've been really enjoying my solo dinners. Maybe I'm just old enough now to really appreciate my own company.
2. summer squash over basmati rice cooked with butter, white wine, fresh parsley, dill, and thyme, and parmesan cheese.
3. panko fried green tomatoes with sriracha mayonnaise. and leftover cold squash.
and a bouquet of flowers from the garden (pink and red and white, zinnias, dahlias, gerber daiseys, and sweet williams).
I've been lately kind of enjoying these summer nights on my own although I really miss g. Come home from work, water the garden at dusk, cook food I grew myself, drink wine alone in the kitchen and listen to music and read. It's kind of nice. tonight it was perfectly beautiful and pre-summer rain when i was out there. I couldn't think of anyplace I'd rather have been then there in the garden at 8 on a july night, by myself, listening to the wind in the trees and taking care of my plants.
Now I'm frying the tomatoes that came from the branch that broke off my one of my tomato plants this morning, battered with panko bread crumbs and two loose eggs I bought at work and carried home very carefully, cushioned by the bread crumbs.
I am really learning to appreciate solitude. There is something about coming home only to plants that is very satisfying. And I think finally at very nearly 30 I have learned the value in cooking a lovely, complex dinner just for myself.
When Burns left I stopped cooking. And when I started dating greg I cooked for us. But this summer with greg away I've been really enjoying my solo dinners. Maybe I'm just old enough now to really appreciate my own company.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
I will...(inspired by beth)
One day I will....
...have an entire summer where all the produce I eat comes from my own garden.
...live where I have the sea outside my window and I hear it when I sleep.
...communicate without using the internet.
...travel in morocco, japan, and iceland, and the rest of the world.
...figure out who my real friends are and manage to spend time with them and not lose touch with them.
...live on a farm in the middle of nowhere and craft like crazy and enjoy open space and yarn and green things.
...fall in love forever.
...spend more time with ali and my parents.
...have sons and daughters who are challenging.
...open a tiny restaurant or cafe or farm stand where all the food is perfect.
...paint, paint, paint.
...stop defending my passions.
...be surrounded by gorgeous plants always.
...swim as much as I want.
...dance regularly.
...not hate my body no matter what.
...own my own beautiful house with views and a garden and a view where I can always go and where my weird thrift object collection can live.
...be able to defend my alone time.
...live on the west coast again.
...travel to gorgeous beaches.
...live in the desert.
...go to las vegas whenever I want.
...spend days and days and days lying on the grass and reading.
...have people truly appreciate my artwork, at least once in a while.
...get more tattoos.
...stop worrying about stupid shit that I know is stupid.
...meet britney spears.
...be in the whitney biennial.
...have lots of dogs and cats.
...and of course a pug.
...learn how to talk to people.
...listen to people's opinions but not care what they think.
...write in my journal everyday and put things in my sketchbook constantly.
...have gallery shows that are perfect to me.
...learn how to open an oyster.
...buy all the stupid, ugly thrift store paintings that I want too. And hang them.
...own and use beautiful professional quality kitchen equipment.
...drink good wine with dinner ever night.
...spend more time on boats.
...love and being loved without fear.
...have an entire summer where all the produce I eat comes from my own garden.
...live where I have the sea outside my window and I hear it when I sleep.
...communicate without using the internet.
...travel in morocco, japan, and iceland, and the rest of the world.
...figure out who my real friends are and manage to spend time with them and not lose touch with them.
...live on a farm in the middle of nowhere and craft like crazy and enjoy open space and yarn and green things.
...fall in love forever.
...spend more time with ali and my parents.
...have sons and daughters who are challenging.
...open a tiny restaurant or cafe or farm stand where all the food is perfect.
...paint, paint, paint.
...stop defending my passions.
...be surrounded by gorgeous plants always.
...swim as much as I want.
...dance regularly.
...not hate my body no matter what.
...own my own beautiful house with views and a garden and a view where I can always go and where my weird thrift object collection can live.
...be able to defend my alone time.
...live on the west coast again.
...travel to gorgeous beaches.
...live in the desert.
...go to las vegas whenever I want.
...spend days and days and days lying on the grass and reading.
...have people truly appreciate my artwork, at least once in a while.
...get more tattoos.
...stop worrying about stupid shit that I know is stupid.
...meet britney spears.
...be in the whitney biennial.
...have lots of dogs and cats.
...and of course a pug.
...learn how to talk to people.
...listen to people's opinions but not care what they think.
...write in my journal everyday and put things in my sketchbook constantly.
...have gallery shows that are perfect to me.
...learn how to open an oyster.
...buy all the stupid, ugly thrift store paintings that I want too. And hang them.
...own and use beautiful professional quality kitchen equipment.
...drink good wine with dinner ever night.
...spend more time on boats.
...love and being loved without fear.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Ummm....
Ignore my little menu posts. I'm just practicing for the fictional restaurant that in my head I eventually open. And I'm addicted to Top Chef, I can't help it.
p.s. I'm really addicted to cooking right now. Want me to cook you dinner? Or to cook with me? Really, call me. Instead of going out ever, I cook extravagant meals and drink lots of wine. It's really pretty good.
p.s. I'm really addicted to cooking right now. Want me to cook you dinner? Or to cook with me? Really, call me. Instead of going out ever, I cook extravagant meals and drink lots of wine. It's really pretty good.
Some Spring & Summer 08 menus
Menu NYC Union Square Farmers Market June 7th: Pomegranate Fennel curried lamb homemade sausage
Fresh baby spinach sauteed with olive oil
Raw milk jalapeno Cheddar cheese with homemade cranberry walnut bread
The world's best oatmeal raisin cookie with honey vanilla ice cream
Menu (summer) 6/9: From the garden southern style:
Black-eyed peas with vidalia onions and jalapenos, over white rice.
Fresh collard greens mixed with sorrel.
Green salad with edible flowers.
Menu 5/24: Scallop and Morel Mushrooms in a Cream Sauce with Fresh Basil, Thyme, White Wine, and Shallots over Orechette Pasta.
Chibatta Bread Pudding in a Markers Mark whiskey sauce.
Menu 4/30: Fiddlehead Ferns Sauted with Polish Sausage, Olive Oil, and Shallots.
Bay Scallops in White Wine and Butter, with Freshly Grown Parsley and Thyme
Fresh Local Roasted Asparagus
Menu 4/27: Fresh Tri-Colour Linguine with Homemade Pesto Tossed with Local Asparagus
Garlic Bread
Strawberry Shortcake
Fresh baby spinach sauteed with olive oil
Raw milk jalapeno Cheddar cheese with homemade cranberry walnut bread
The world's best oatmeal raisin cookie with honey vanilla ice cream
Menu (summer) 6/9: From the garden southern style:
Black-eyed peas with vidalia onions and jalapenos, over white rice.
Fresh collard greens mixed with sorrel.
Green salad with edible flowers.
Menu 5/24: Scallop and Morel Mushrooms in a Cream Sauce with Fresh Basil, Thyme, White Wine, and Shallots over Orechette Pasta.
Chibatta Bread Pudding in a Markers Mark whiskey sauce.
Menu 4/30: Fiddlehead Ferns Sauted with Polish Sausage, Olive Oil, and Shallots.
Bay Scallops in White Wine and Butter, with Freshly Grown Parsley and Thyme
Fresh Local Roasted Asparagus
Menu 4/27: Fresh Tri-Colour Linguine with Homemade Pesto Tossed with Local Asparagus
Garlic Bread
Strawberry Shortcake
Monday, June 9, 2008
sometimes...
...I want to go and live by myself on a farm. A farm by the ocean. And only eat things I grow and gaze at green and blue. And sleep smelling the earth and sea.
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